INITIATING the act of love is a fine art. Don’t mess it up by taking your cue from any of the following.
The sound of rutting foxes
Foxes shagging noisily in your garden may create pangs of envy, but don’t be fooled into thinking your partner feels the same way. They already consider you to be a nocturnal pest so don’t reinforce the association. Cool yourself down by having a walk around the garden, perhaps grabbing something out of the bins for a midnight snack.
You’ve had a wash
If you’re attempting to get laid by walking into the bedroom wearing a towel and wiggling your eyebrows, you’ve gone wrong. This approach only highlights the fact that your genital cleanliness usually leaves something to be desired. For the long-term health of your sex life, don’t act as if good personal hygiene is only for special occasions.
Your partner tells you they can’t sleep
This isn’t code. This isn’t a sexy, enigmatic way of asking you to lick their nipples. It just means they’re overtired, stressed and can’t turn off their brain. Set aside all thoughts of orgasm and talk through their problems, asking how you can help. They’ll mutter ‘You can’t’ and then take themselves off to the bathroom for a relaxing wank.
There’s nothing on TV
Implying that physical intimacy is an entertainment of last resort is not a strategy most sex therapists would recommend. Besides, there’s always something good on TV these days. The main benefit to your partner of spending fifty quid a month on various streaming services is that they never have to think about the contents of your pants.
It’s your birthday
Begging for sex simply because you’ve aged is an unbecoming act of desperation. Your significant other bought you that expensive watch specifically so they wouldn’t have to go anywhere near your increasingly ancient privates, so don’t push your luck. And when it’s your partner’s birthday, give them a real treat by offering to sleep on the sofa.
Your partner has just received bad news
No matter what you tell yourself, attempting to console someone by selflessly offering to penetrate them is just icky. You’re simply not skilled enough at lovemaking to shag the grief out of anyone. Make them a nice cup of tea instead and help out with the admin, or just make yourself and your needy desires scarce.
