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'Feisty', and other ways to describe someone when you really want to say 'f**king annoying'

WANT to call someone an irritating bellend but can’t get away with it in present company? Try using these phrases instead:

Feisty

Got a neighbour who plays dubstep until 2am on a Wednesday night and threatens to punch your f**king lights out when you knock on the door and ask her to stop? Describe her as ‘feisty’ to the people you’re now trying to sell your house to, so she sounds like a camp Eastenders matriarch rather than an infuriating nightmare.

Sassy

Work with someone, male or female, who’s a total bitch? The type of person who swishes around the office making snippy comments, slagging people off and generally acting like they’re a supporting character in The Devil Wears Prada, rather than an admin assistant in an accountancy firm in Yate? You want to call them a judgemental twat to colleagues, but instead settle for ‘sassy’.

Cocksure

Your brother-in-law is an arrogant prick who loves the sound of his own voice and ruins every family get together by insisting that 15-minute cities are an authoritarian clampdown by the WEF and Beyoncé is in the Illuminati. Instead of causing a rift by saying he’s stupid bellend who never shuts his massive gob, go for ‘cocksure’ and then add under your breath ‘or just cock’.

Highly strung

Got a pal who’s on a hair-trigger on a night out, desperate to have a row with a stranger and then disappear to the loo and cry for an hour while you try and coax them out? When explaining to the annoyed bar staff why your friend is monopolising the single toilet cubicle and pissing off the other customers, you say they are ‘highly strung’ instead of being honest and saying ‘I can’t stand them but as you can see they’re so fragile that I can never be free of them’.

Got a lot of energy

This one is usually reserved for children and mostly used by other people talking about your offspring. You’d be offended but after your kids have ruined a holiday with your childless friends by continually doing shriekingly loud impressions of Bing and throwing tantrums every six minutes, you appreciate that they are being kind and this description is an enormous understatement.

A character

Bringing a friend you’ve known since school who has some questionable opinions to meet some new friends who will definitely be appalled by them? Try and pre-emptively smooth things over by describing them as ‘a character’. This shows you know they’re a boorish dickhead without overtly describing them as that. However, it doesn’t explain why you brought them to the bar and they’re now calling Tommy Robinson ‘an alright bloke’. Your new friends probably won’t be your new friends for long.

Witty signs and polite chanting: the agenda for a liberal Capitol insurrection

MOVE aside, gun-toting, flag-waving, antler-wearing rioters, lefties can be just as angry and ready to reclaim the election by force. Well, by asking nicely. Here’s how:

Witty signs

The DC police will quake in their boots when they see what your alliance of flat white-sipping graphic designers can produce. But they’re not scared, they’re chuckling wryly because your ‘I think therefore I am… not a Trump supporter’ sign is so clever and hilarious. They certainly aren’t going to hit you with a stick and arrest you for trespassing, not when you lay that kind of highbrow humour on them.

Polite chanting

The right has their firearms, but your weapons are your words. What hope do they have against elegant rhyming, plays-on-words, maybe even a pun? What you eventually settle on, though, is a simple but effective ‘Trump out!’, because you don’t want to cause a scene, use swearwords or exclude anybody. Raised voices are not encouraged, it’s very crude.

Hydration and nutrition

Of course, it’s a long day so everyone needs to remember to take breaks and make sure they’re eating plenty of high protein snacks. It’s especially important to drink lots of water, because it’s not like you’re going to end up hunkered down inside the House Chamber all night while the FBI search for you. You’ll be home crying in front of old episodes of The West Wing by then.

Enter the Capitol

When you finally reach those guards, it’s time to put your money where your mouth is and enter the premises. So long as it’s during opening hours, you’ve bought a ticket and you respect their health and safety policy on group sizes. No, you won’t be donning a furry hat with horns or putting face paint on. Do you know how much that stuff can upset the ph balance of your skin?

Pointing and booing

Even if you don’t make it inside, it’s your duty to show resistance to your oppressors and make sure they know that you won’t stand for this. Point, boo, shout ‘shame on you’. Harsh, yes, but this is the fate of democracy we’re talking about. The few law enforcement officers standing around don’t seem particularly bothered, but it’s hard to tell from the distance you’ve chosen to stand from them. They’ve got guns, after all.

Clear up

Before you decide it’s time to leave because the traffic gets bad after 6pm, make sure you tidy up. Check the area for litter, safely dismantle the fake gallows you erected, and take your plastic waste home for recycling. You’re organising an insurrection, not an environmental incident.

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