STILL get flustered walking past bras and knickers even though you’re an adult man with a wife and mortgage? Here’s what to do.
Turn back at the door
The easiest way to deal with the situation is to avoid danger in the first place. Hopefully your partner will notice you becoming nervous as you approach, like a horse refusing a jump, and leave you to graze peacefully in the men’s shoe section while she immerses herself in the terrifying world of cup sizes and basques.
Look anywhere but at the lingerie
It’s vital to prove you have no interest in women’s underwear. This means you must not look at the sexy pants, even though the room is full of them. Stare fiercely upwards and comment on the high quality of the ceiling tiles instead. People will think you’re weird, but at least they won’t think you’re a pervert.
Take a weirdly intense interest in it
Alternatively, you could try showing an enthusiastic interest that demonstrates how completely unfazed you are by the sight of a frilly bra. However, don’t get too into it and discuss underwiring strength with the sales assistant with reference to her breasts or you’ll quickly be escorted out by security.
Make a succession of stupid jokes
You haven’t evolved that much from the hormonal oaf you were at secondary school, so your immediate reaction is likely to be a series of unfunny quips about ‘over the shoulder boulder holders’. A winning strategy, as your partner will steer you to the exit as quickly as possible to spare herself the embarrassment of being associated with you.
Turn bright red and hold a bag in front of your crotch
If all else fails, and your partner insists that you help her choose something skimpy and sheer for you to give her for her birthday, you must accept it as your manly duty. However, getting an erection in public is likely to result in a visit from the police, so be sure you’ve brought a large bag to disguise your pathetic excitement.
