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The five most sickening things loved-up couples say to each other

BEING in love is wonderful, but not when you affect the wellbeing of those around you by uttering these nauseating phrases:

‘You complete me’

You are a beautiful human jigsaw puzzle and this new relationship completes the picture of you. However it’s a phrase that’s enough to make you barf, and soon you may want to be part of a less needy jigsaw puzzle.

‘Our love is eternal’ 

It’s a beautiful sentiment, but a massive lie. There’s a strong chance that after going on holiday with your partner you’ll discover they are f**king weird, like your strange Uncle Kevin who collects beermats or snobby Aunt Petunia.

‘We never argue’

Glossing over potential disputes is the classic mistake all new couples make. Wait until the snoring and not setting the TV volume to the right level become an issue. The festering anger will one day produce a four-letter fireworks display your friends will buy front-row seats for.

‘Everything makes sense when we’re together’

During the mind-fog of the early days of a relationship your lack of compatibility can be ignored. Then your partner starts wearing a hat in public, and nothing makes sense again.

‘I can’t breathe without you’

You were breathing perfectly well before the love of your life came along. And now you believe they provide the oxygen that fuels your existence. Get a f**king grip and just say ‘I really like you’.

Piercing a Capri Sun, and other packages that are impossible to open

SOME food packaging is more impenetrable than Fort Knox. Here are ones you will always humiliatingly fail at trying to open.

Ketchup sachets

The manufacturers of every single fast-food ketchup sachet have one wish – that you never actually get to have ketchup with your food. If you dream of enjoying your chips with some delicious ketchup, prepare to impotently wrestle with the ‘tear here’ on a small pouch of sauce for upwards of five minutes.

Capri Sun

Small children’s motor-skills are f**king useless, so a small sack of juice was a recipe for disaster. Trying to puncture a Capri-Sun using their flaccid excuse for a straw would invariably end with you bursting the thing and dousing your school jumper in orange juice.

Milk foil

Certain brands of milk still come with a sort of plastic-foil cover under the lid – because some people just can’t let the past go. These seem to have been welded to the bottle with no intention of them ever being removed.

Jam jars

What’s so infuriating about trying to open jars is that 99 per cent of the time they’re piss-easy to open. However, on other occasions you almost dislocate your elbow trying to prise open the marmalade. Soon, any men in the area will gather as they battle to prove their masculinity.

All ‘Peel here’ tabs

You’ll have seen the small tab at the corner of the packet marked ‘Peel here’ and thought ‘Oh great, I can’t wait for the straightforward bacon rasher-opening experience that awaits me.’ Instead you just grapple pathetically with the packet before looking for some scissors while the rest of your fry-up burns.

 

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