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The back seat of a car: Five sexy places it's actually impossible to do it

IT’S hard enough to enjoy a passable bit of intercourse in a comfy bed. So why people insist on doing it in these utterly impractical places defies explanation.

Back seat of a car

A teenage rite of passage. Or: awkward fumbling made worse by borrowing your mum’s two-door Corsa. When you reach the vinegar strokes there’s a risk of putting your elbow through one of the tiny windows at the back. That’ll be difficult to explain to your mum. But not as difficult as the jizz on the upholstery.

On the floor

Utterly folly. The bed is RIGHT THERE. Try to go at it like a couple of seasoned porn stars and you’ll realise your knees aren’t up to it, your partner had that slipped disc in 2017 and you’re both getting carpet burn from the best John Lewis rug. When you mercifully finish after two minutes of huffing and puffing, it looks like the end of a tragic, naked game of Twister.

In the great outdoors

De rigueur for adventurous shaggers, supposedly. In reality you’re freezing and terrified a primary school trip will walk past. You’ll quickly realise DH Lawrence should have changed the title of Lady Chatterley’s Lover to Nettles on Your Ballbag and A Twig Up the Arsehole. 

In the shower

Allegedly steamy and sensual. Actually slippery and hazardous. To even get it to go in you both have to fold yourselves up like broken deck chairs. Once you’re awkwardly bonking while trying not to ‘disengage’ you’ll find yourself staring at some athlete’s foot cream on the side of the bath or your kid’s Ariel doll from Little Mermaid. One misstep and you’ve cracked your head on the sink and the next thing you see is a paramedic. Not hugely erotic.

The Mile High Club

No one has ever successfully got their end away in a plane because life isn’t the movies. You and your partner aren’t international spies flying first class to Moscow, you’re having two weeks self-catering in Benidorm. And nothing kills a boner quicker than hearing the Ryanair cabin crew trying to sell those scratch cards over the tannoy. Even if you do manage a quickie, you’ll spend it worrying about leaving your kids asleep in their seats while you went off to have sex in a toilet.

No more wank breaks: Six habits homeworkers will have to lose to return to the office

COMMERCIAL landlords are upset about homeworking, so do you face the grim prospect of returning to the office? Here are six habits you’ll have to lose first.

No more wank breaks

The days of treating yourself to a swift hand shandy after sending an email will be over. It’s probably for the best though. You’ve exhausted every piece of online smut and your genitals have been rubbed raw. Don’t go cold turkey though – knock one out in the toilets three times a day to ease yourself back in.

Waking up five minutes before work

Homeworkers have got the habit of waking up just before work down to a fine art. Laptops take mere seconds to lean over to and switch on, giving them plenty of minutes to brush their teeth and eat breakfast. A return to the office will herald an ungodly routine that doesn’t involve staying up until 3am scrolling through Instagram.

Spending the whole day wearing pyjamas

Offices place high demands on their employees. Tyrannical bosses expect their drone ants to wear semi-formal clothing and shoes, not food-stained t-shirts and tracksuit bottoms that haven’t been washed this side of the pandemic. You’ll need to have a shower and run a comb through your hair too because you can’t turn everyone’s eyes off like a Zoom camera.

Endless procrastination

Offices tend to be drab buildings filled with dull walls and boring desks because they want you to actually focus on your f**king work. Homes on the other hand contain everything you like and offer endless distractions like watching Bargain Hunt and reading everything on the internet. Giving this up will be traumatic, so consider the dole.

Loudly swearing at your team

At home you’re free to scream blue murder at Lucy from HR or Martin from accounts because no one can hear your expletive-filled tirades. Annoyingly, offices contain people with ears who can process what you say, so you’ll need to keep these rants in your head. Also there’s no ‘mute’ in real life, tragically.

Getting all your work done in a shorter time

When you worked at home you could blast through all your tasks in record time then spend the afternoon in the pub occasionally checking your emails. In the office though you’ll need to slow down, otherwise you’ll be rewarded by having even more mindless toil heaped on you. Even suggesting going down to a four-day week would threaten to reveal how competent you actually are.

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