THE countdown to panicked boyfriends remembering they’d promised to ‘book somewhere nice’ for Valentine’s Day is about to begin. Here’s how it will unfold.
February 12th, 11.45pm
The calm before the storm. The boyfriend is scrolling his phone in blissful ignorance before peacefully drifting off to sleep next to his quietly expectant partner for possibly the last time.
February 13th, 7.21am
A vague concern niggles at the back of the boyfriend’s brain. There’s something he should do but he can’t remember what. Check how much trainers he once owned now fetch on eBay? He’ll do that.
February 13th, 9.12am
After not really hearing subtle questions about ‘plans for tomorrow night’, it’s off to work. During his commute several adverts for Valentine’s Day-related products bounce right off.
February 13th, 1pm
During lunch it dawns on the boyfriend that tomorrow is the most romantic day of the year and he made certain assurances. There’s plenty of time, so he’ll book a restaurant during his afternoon fag break.
February 13th, 3.14pm
Strange. All the phone lines seem to be busy. Not to worry, he’ll try again the second he gets off work. There’s nothing to worry about.
February 13th, 5.04pm
How peculiar. All the popular restaurants are fully booked. Unfortunate. But that means everywhere else will have loads of tables, and he’s sure she mentioned something about trying Uruguayan fusion cuisine. Few more calls will do it.
February 13th, 5.15pm
Nowhere has any room. Dread begins to set in. Of course, the boyfriend thinks, there are always fun unpretentious options that aren’t so starchy where we can relax.
February 13th, 5.22pm
Shit. Wetherspoons is full. Nando’s is full. Burger King laughed and hung up when he tried to make a reservation. He could always make a meal at home, but that would require learning to cook.
February 13th, 7.37pm
The boyfriend locks himself in the bathroom for two hours to cash in every favour he is owed. Unfortunately his mates are all busy scrambling to find a restaurant themselves. His girlfriend is not suspicious about the ordinary amount of time he’s spending on the toilet.
February 13th, 11.45pm
Having admitted defeat, the boyfriend bids his girlfriend goodnight and laughs at the idea of doing anything for Valentine’s Day. After all it’s just a holiday invented by greeting card companies. If she doesn’t buy this pathetic logic, he’s f**ked.
February 14th, 2.17am
The boyfriend is browsing the cheapest house shares on Rightmove from the comfort of the sofa.
