Six ways to unsuccessfully conceal your burning passion for a co-worker

22nd June 2023

DO you have strong feelings of love and sexual attraction for a colleague? Is it guaranteed to go absolutely f**king nowhere? Here’s how to bury your feelings deep in your broken heart.

Pretending they don’t exist

Pretending they don’t exist will cause problems with office communication, but claiming not to care about someone in films always ends in true love, so problem solved. It wouldn’t be in Romancing the Stone if it wasn’t true. Alternatively the tension may cause a meltdown in the office where you blurt out ‘I love you, Zoe, can’t we be together forever?’, to which the answer is ‘no’ and it’s probably best to kill yourself to avoid a lifetime of embarrassment.

Deflecting

Force yourself to develop a crush on a different co-worker. This is risky/unsavoury if everyone is married, approaching retirement age or, in Fiona’s case, your boss. Despite being a 30-year-old heterosexual male it looks as if the least bad alternative is going out with Bryan the weird IT support guy. Still, sexuality is fluid and maybe you’ll grow fond of anal sex and extremely shit action movies.

Make a joke of it

Pretend that every interaction with the object of your desire is amorous, and turn every comment into innuendo. This will firmly establish you’re ‘just good mates’ and, depressingly, your true love may find it jolly amusing and play along. However there’s a danger your constant references to sex get you known as ‘the office perv’, leading to a deeply unerotic interaction with HR.

Acting overly formally

Acting aloof and emotionally stunted works a treat in Jane Austen, where people have literally no idea that someone is desperately in love with them, so this is a great way to conceal your feelings. However your stilted manner and Victorian behaviour may soon remind colleagues of arch-twat and Brexit arsehole Jacob Rees-Mogg, and you discover them in the office kitchen emptying the little white Rentokil boxes of mouse poison into your tea.

Use body language

Trying to disguise obvious signs of infatuation when working closely together is difficult. Gazing into their lovely eyes while cradling your chin with both hands as they talk about the new fire safety drill is a bit of a giveaway. As is sweating, tight-lipped grimacing and fainting when you’re in their presence. Although it’s fairly normal ‘talking to a woman’ behaviour if you’re into Warhammer.

Make everyone believe you can never love again

Strongly imply you are the victim of a passionate yet doomed affaire de coeur, like Jack and Rose, Heathcliff and Cathy, or Frodo and Sam. Now your heart does not permit you to love any other. This is an excellent cover tactic, although by the time you’ve concocted a tragic backstory, just saying ‘F**k it, Zoe, I really fancy you. D’you want a drink then sex tonight?’ and living with the consequences is far less hassle.

'I never bother with the Pyramid Stage': Pretentious shit Glastonbury-goers will be saying this week

22nd June 2023

KNOW some smug bastard who always goes to Glastonbury? You’ve probably heard them say some of these tedious things.

‘I never bother with the Pyramid stage’

Obviously, only the most basic of bitches flock like sheep to the Pyramid Stage to see the big headline acts. Real music lovers, on the other hand, go and nod along to an obscure folktronica band in some far-flung corner of the site. All the while secretly wishing they were dancing to Elton John with a huge, delighted crowd.

‘It’s far too corporate now’

A subtle way of letting people know they have been going to Glastonbury since the 80s, when the only branding anyone saw was the CND logo. This year it’s sponsored by Vodafone, which may not have the same peace-and-love credentials, but does mean that everything is a bit more civilised and punters don’t have to shit in a hedge. Unless they choose to, of course.

‘What do you mean, you’ve never found the secret stage behind Shangri-La?’

There are always rumours of surprise sets and stages at Glastonbury, which is the sort of thing pretentious twats love. They don’t actually know if there is a secret stage behind Shangri-La, but someone they know who claims to have links to the music industry told them there was, and, like a gullible bellend, they believed them.

‘Nothing will ever top Radiohead in 1997’

Though this is contrary to their claim about not going to the Pyramid stage, a smug bastard always likes to say they were at performances that are now considered legendary. The truth is that they were actually watching Kula Shaker on the Other stage, but hell will freeze over before they admit to something so tragic.

‘Smaller festivals are much better’

The ultimately show off thing to say about Glastonbury is that it’s not actually that good, and they much prefer more intimate, boutique festivals. But their partner has already told you that they spent five hours on three laptops trying to secure tickets this year, so you know that’s a load of bollocks.