YOU’RE no prude and not even that old, but sex stuff nowadays can seem weird to anyone in their 40s. Here’s what you missed out on – and what the young ‘uns are welcome to.
Making your own porn
Not that long ago your partner would have responded less than enthusiastically to this suggestion, eg. ‘NOT BLOODY LIKELY! WE’RE FINISHED YOU F**KING PERVERT!’ Watching the end result, ie. yourself having sex, is rubbish compared to actually doing it, so if you want to be debased narcissists you go right ahead, young people.
Dick pics
Ladies should rest assured that plenty of men find this utterly weird for many reasons. Not least that you’re likely to instantly scupper any chance of having sex, never mind a fulfilling relationship. More worryingly, unsolicited knob photos are basically the same as flashing someone in a park, but without having to go outside. Is this progress? Surely not.
Anal
Back in the day, the chances of female partners trying this were roughly the same as a snowflake planning a second trip to Hell to make use of the excellent new ice skating facilities. Nowadays Cosmopolitan publishes ‘36 anal sex tips for beginners’. Are there 36 things you have to do? Frankly it’s losing some of its appeal if it’s like assembling an IKEA storage unit.
No one complains anymore
For a generation that remembers the papers screaming ‘Ban this sick filth!’ if Channel 4 showed a nipple in a Ken Russell film at 1am, it’s odd that there’s all manner of banging, blowing and buggery on TV and no one complains anymore. Want to see Keely Hawes wanking at 9.30pm? It’s the Guardian’s TV Pick of the Week.
BDSM
‘Sexperts’ endlessly promote this. Whether it’s to fill space in their crappy Daily Mail articles or genuinely popular is unclear. However it does imply that at least one of you has a f**ked-up desire to be punished or a slightly worrying sadistic streak. What next, ‘sexy’ cigarette burns? An erotic punch in the face? It’s also impossible to discuss bondage in mundane real life. ‘D’you want to brush your teeth before or after I’ve flogged your buttocks red raw?’ is just silly.
Sexting in schools
The very idea of mobile phones in schools is strange, because you know exactly what you’d have done: play computer games all day and fail your exams (men) or text your mates all day and fail your exams (women). Sexting at school takes it to another level, because if it’s not consensual it’s basically a sex crime, and if it is, it’s got f**k all to with crop rotation or the saturation point of copper sulphate solution. Earlier generations suffered and so should you.
Pegging
Could just be a flash in the pan thanks to rumours about a certain royal, or maybe it’s excellent fun and everyone’s doing it. You’ll try anything once so now you just have to cheerfully hand your partner a monstrous strap-on dildo and say ‘Would you mind anally penetrating me with this, sweetie?’ in the same completely normal tone of voice as ‘Would you mind getting a couple of lasagnes out of the freezer?’