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Six reasonable things which are fascist oppression to a teenager

NEGOTIATING a relationship with a teenager is a living nightmare. Here are six everyday scenarios they will find unbelievably offensive:

Waking up

How dare you think it’s reasonable to try and get your child out of their cosy, fetid bed in the harsh light of the early afternoon? This is the worse thing anyone has ever done to anyone else, ever. You are basically Hitler. They know because they saw a meme about him.

Getting dressed

Your adolescent is perfectly comfortable in their pyjamas, or whatever they happened to be wearing when they fell asleep scrolling through TikTok last night: football kit, onesie, seven-day old pants. Only an authoritarian bastard would force them to shower and put on their school uniform. You are oppressing them and their disgusting smells.

Going to school

Education is just indoctrination, they claim, and they will not be brainwashed into being a good little drone who only exists as a slave to late-stage capitalism. Weirdly, they change their mind about the corrupting influence of money when you offer them a tenner to do the washing-up and take the dog for a walk.

Coming home

You were the one who made them leave the house in the first place and now you want them to come home again to eat dinner? Who do you think you are, a prison guard? They need to spend at least three hours sitting on a wall swapping YouTube links with their friends and vaping. To stop them is to crush their restless, beautiful spirit, you monster.

Eating a meal

If your little bundle of acne and overactive sweat glands deigns to eat in your presence, it’s going to be on their terms: at the time they want, in the room they have chosen, on the beige sofa you can’t easily clean. Oh, and if you force them to eat anything green, you’re a dictatorial arsehole. Dying of scurvy would be better than being stuck in a house with you.

Smiling

Any form of facial expression apart from a miserable grimace or a sarcastic smirk is off the cards for at least five years. A smile would be nice, you say wistfully, at which point they furiously accuse you of ignoring their truth, which is emotional abuse according to Instagram, and then stomp off to their room, while calling you Swindon’s answer to Stalin.

The risks of drinking you actually give a toss about, by pints consumed

BOWEL cancer isn’t a risk of drinking you’re worried about, but not being pissed enough by 11pm is. Here are the real risks of drinking ranked by how shitfaced you are.

0 drinks: High risk of a shit evening. Your mates are talking about the Halfords sale and you need to be pissed to care. Alcohol campaigners should factor in boredom-related brain damage, because it really feels like part of your frontal cortex has withered and died.

1 drink: May slightly raise your blood pressure. Right now you face the worse problem of being tediously sober if you don’t start hammering the booze.

2 drinks. Increased risk of obesity. Also a risk of the alcohol removing your inhibitions and you blurting out personal details/secrets you later wish you’d kept to yourself.

3-4 drinks: Elevated risk of stroke or heart attack, but that’s ages away. Currently you’re starting to talk bollocks and could end up having an argument about politics with someone who turns out to be surprisingly knowledgeable. High risk of looking like like a dick.

5 drinks: Increased chance of developing senile dementia. However your current alcohol-induced overconfidence is likely to cause you to try it on with that stunning blonde woman at the bar, resulting in rejection and feeling like a creepy sexual harasser later. A spot of dementia would be handy to forget that.

6 drinks: Liver function may be impaired. There’s a more pressing possibility you’ll unexpectedly barf on a table. 

7-8 drinks: Did you know alcohol increases the risk of throat cancer? No. Did you know eight pints increases the chance of a regrettable one-night stand where you’re too pissed to have sex properly, so it’s really awkward without any fun bits? Yes, you did know that. It may happen again tonight.

9 drinks: High chance of permanent memory loss. Also a high chance of having to cling to the bar or table to avoid falling flat on your face. 

10 drinks: Large amounts of alcohol can cause your heart to stop, killing you within minutes. It’s more likely you’ll drop your kebab, which is equally tragic because a large one is nine quid these days.

11 drinks or more: Heavy drinking can lead to mental confusion and hallucinations known as ‘wet brain syndrome’. A more immediate risk is that when you’re blackout drunk f**king anything could happen. Waking up on a park bench covered in piss is cause for joyous celebration in comparison to coming round in police cells or A&E with a broken foot.

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