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'Rumpy-pumpy' and five other awful middle class phrases for sex

HAVE you been driven to using weird euphemisms for sex by an emotionally-stifled middle class upbringing? Stop using the following phrases immediately:

Bonking

A word completely devoid of any sexual dignity. ‘Bonking’ is the noise made by Timmy Mallet hitting someone over the head with a large rubber hammer. There is a reason that, in pornography, you will rarely, if ever, hear anyone utter the phrase, ‘bonk me harder’.

Have Relations With

The most stiffly formal phrase for sex imaginable, and for some reason the go-to of every uncomfortable middle class father struggling through a vaguely bawdy anecdote. Typically used in newspaper reports of royal affairs, it somehow always implies that the sex was underwhelming.

Hanky Panky

An oddly childish phrase for what is an exclusively adult act, ‘hanky panky’ is used by prurient curtain twitchers who suspect the woman over the road of having it with the milkman, when in fact it is a legitimate handover of dairy products. The user of this word does not get any themselves.

Do The Business

Thanks to your deeply repressed upbringing in a white-collar home, you now view sex as some kind of commercial transaction. Nothing will get your prospective partner in the mood quite like suggesting the raw animal sex they’re expecting has been carefully planned using an Excel spreadsheet.

How’s Your Father

Looking to instantly sour any sexually intimate moment? Then why not use a phrase that will make you think of one of your parents? It seems a near guarantee that anyone who has ever asked for some ‘how’s your father’ has ended up spending the night crying alone.

Getting up to open another bottle and five other exercise tips for Lockdown 2

NO ONE is going to put up with Joe Wicks a second time around, so how are we going to stay in shape? Here are some exercise tips for people who are royally f**ked off with Covid.

Getting up to open another bottle

Getting in and out of a chair is a compound exercise that works several muscle groups at once. It will be difficult, as you’re basically a wobbly jelly attached to brittle bones after this year, but you’ll get a nice boozy reward at the end.

Irritably kneading dough

Didn’t bake bread in the last lockdown? Now’s your chance to spend ages slapping a big piece of tough dough around your kitchen and then baking it into a brick as hard as a diamond. Good for the biceps and core, bad for your mood.

Clapping

Clapping is very much a lockdown 1 kind of thing, but it’s a workout for your triceps and chest. Your partner will probably leave you and your neighbours will hate you, but you’ll improve your lean muscle mass by as much as 0.0000000002 per cent.

Taking the recycling out

An advanced level of exercise that requires you to bend and lift at once. Bear in mind that your recycling probably won’t be collected until January, so it may also become a logic puzzle to work out how to fit all your cardboard, 240 empty cans of Kronenbourg and an old Christmas tree into your wheelie bin.

Nipping to Tesco for some fags

This is taking exercise to an extreme, as it involves leaving the house completely. Special equipment such as shoes and a jacket may be required. You will also need a support vehicle, to ensure you don’t peg out on the way, so ask your partner to follow you very slowly in the car.

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