EVER suspected there might be double standards for men and women when it comes to sex? Here Wayne Hayes explains the perfectly logical reasons for judging women harshly while male promiscuity is great.
Men need to spread their seed
Women can only get pregnant once every nine months, but men can get loads of women pregnant at any one time. So it’s just my natural role to impregnate women and not answer letters from the Child Support Agency. Also, if you don’t have lots of sex, your bollocks explode. That’s what my mate Dave says, anyway, and he was right about Villa beating Fulham.
Men need to keep their hand in
During sex it’s men who do the complicated bits and make all the effort while women just lie there. At least with all the sex I’ve had. It’s vital that we get the hours in, because without constant practise I’d be unable to provide women with two wonderful minutes of skilled, satisfying lovemaking.
Men actually want sex
Everyone knows females are just into romantic stuff and getting married, while men actually enjoy sex. Women would prefer not to do it, but they have to get their claws into a high-status male so they can sit on their arses at home and not have to work. I’ve explained this a million times to ladies, and that’s a lot of drinks in your face.
Men are natural hunters
I see sex very much as stalking my prey before killing it by firing my sharp arrow into its abdomen. You see back in the olden days before computers, men used to go out and get meat for their tribe, and our hunting instinct is still there when we go on Tinder and Hinge. And that’s something to be admired. You can’t call evolution a slag.
Men are better at maths
Studies I distinctly remember but now sadly can’t find online prove that men have a natural aptitude for numbers and science. When we hear that a fellow bloke has slept with 200 women, we know that’s not a huge number, because we’re aware that numbers like a million or even a billion exist. Women, by contrast, think 50 is the biggest number. That’s why all scientists are men.
Men are supportive of each other
There’s no male slut-shaming because men are more loyal and kind to each other than women. We big each other up, whereas women resort to calling each other names. (Okay, men call women sluts too, often after sleeping with them, but that doesn’t fit my argument so I’m going to ignore it.) Yes, the world would be a much more peaceful place if blokes were in charge.
