Modern couples having less sex, says person who makes these things up

3rd January 2025

THE man whose job it is to make up sex trends has decided that modern couples are having less intercourse.

Chief sex statistician Martin Bishop sits at a litter-strewn desk in a dingy corner of the basement of the Home Office, where he does his weekly Tesco order and watches YouTube videos until he gets a call from a newspaper.

Bishop said: “People aren’t having sex anymore because of all the other things you can do these days, such as flying drones, supporting Hezbollah and podcasts.

“That seems feasible, doesn’t it? I can add in Gen Z preferring vaping to oral sex if that makes it more current.

“My work gives news publications an excuse to print a pre-existing sexy picture of two models on a bed in what is clearly the corner of a photographic studio.

“The man is usually wearing satin boxers and she might have furry handcuffs, like that’s typical. Or they’re both women. Gets clicks either way.

“The data comes primarily from my imagination, via a rigorous process of making things up. Sometimes I use a spinner with a different sex trend in each sector. Could be anal, could be threesomes. It doesn’t matter. No one’s doing it anyway.”

Teacher Nikki Hollis said: “When I read articles about things like this, it gives me this anxious feeling I should be doing something with the information. I don’t know what.

“Definitely any fornication trend is a worrying trend. Therefore I am worried. I’ll buy a sofa. That’ll sort it out.”

Five reasons nobody except knobheads make telephone calls anymore

3rd January 2025

TELEPHONE calls are rarely made by anyone except annoying twerps these days, and for good reason. Here’s why.

Messaging exists

Why phone someone when you could text them? Or send them a WhatsApp message? Or hit them up on Snapchat? Or contact them via Facebook Messenger? There’s a dizzying array of messaging options. Alternatively you can bellow at full volume in a train carriage to prove you’re a big swinging dick in the business world, when actually you’re a middle-management nobody from Swansea.

The signal is always crap

Smartphones are incredible pieces of technology which sadly have yet to crack the ability to make a clear call that does not drop out every 30 seconds. Even the briefest of chats involves you straining to listen to a muffled voice while you shout at the caller to speak up and say that again. Hopefully the next iPhone will do away with the useless calling feature altogether, much like the headphone jack. Haha, remember how you used to have wires coming out of your head like a 1970s sci-fi android?

They’re really inconvenient

Messages respect your time. They pop up on your phone and let you reply at your leisure, or not at all if you feel like ghosting your ex. Meanwhile phone calls are the equivalent of someone dropping in unannounced and barging into your living room to grill you about something you’re unprepared for. And if you don’t pick up somehow you’re the rude one.

There’s barely anything worth talking about

Most telephone conversations could easily be boiled down to a swift exchange of information. Not even the most salacious bit of gossip merits hours of yapping, and don’t let your conversation-starved partner try to convince you otherwise. And if a work task is that complicated, like building a suspension bridge, maybe it merits meeting in person? Emergency 999 calls are the obvious exception, but even then you could shave off a couple of minutes by not banging on about the victim not breathing.

Everyone’s riddled with anxiety

Mainly due to dickheads bombarding them with telephone calls. Are they going to get fired or dumped if they pick up? Nobody knows. And it’s not until they’ve sat through a rambling conversation about sales figures or what to pick up from Sainsbury’s for dinner and hung up that they know they’re in the clear. Alexander Graham Bell has a lot to answer for, and not just his eugenicist leanings.