'Knutsford’s largest seizure of narcotics': What drug busts mean without the police bullshit

7th July 2023

THE police routinely talk up their drug busts and the media never question the boys in blue. But do you suspect they may over-dramatising events? Here’s the reality.

‘X’s largest seizure of narcotics’

Everything’s relative. If it’s somewhere not noted for its drug use, like St Ives, it won’t take Pablo Escobar quantities to be the biggest bust. If it’s somewhere really, really tiny, like Whitwell in Rutland (pop. 41), probably a couple of badly-rolled spliffs will do it.

‘Advanced hydroponic technology’

This calls to mind vast warehouses rammed with plants being carefully monitored in sweltering artificial humidity. It’s probably Dave the Hippy who got a grow light for his loft for £8.99 off Amazon.

‘A large number of offensive weapons were removed from the property’

You’re expecting an arsenal of assault rifles and Glock pistols. What they’ve actually got is four large kitchen knives, a hammer and a golf club, all of which can be found in your own home. Sure, there’s the odd item you don’t own, hopefully, like a two-foot machete, but come on, dealers, think of the viewers at home and at least get a Scarface grenade launcher.

‘A number of people were charged with drug offences’

Boo. That means possession, so just a modest fine. They may well be thugs you don’t mess with, but having to pay £120 out of your dole money would be a pretty shit episode of Miami Vice. Where’s the excitement, the drama? Actually the police probably provided that themselves by acting like The Sweeney.

‘Drugs worth Y’

It’s always calculated at the maximum street price. Profit margins vary and to earn £20k (gross) you’ve got to sell at least 1,300 eighths, which, if you’ve ever hung out with drugs aficionados, you’ll know involves a lot of boring, disjointed conversations about drugs, drug deals, drug dealers and snacks. To be fair, some of these drug-dealing scum really earn their money.

‘Organised crime gangs’

What else would you expect? ‘Non-profit Fairtrade independent retailers’? Although there’s clearly a gap in the market here for Guardian readers who like an occasional smoke or a toot but worry about exploited Bolivian peasants. This could revolutionise the drug trade, with drug dealers no longer stabbing each other in the streets, but intimidating their rivals with a strongly-worded email.

‘New super-strength cannabis’

Skunk. ‘Super-strength cannabis’ is a Daily Mail favourite, usually in articles about teenagers developing more-abnormal-than-usual behaviour. Is it dangerous in the long-term? Possibly, it’s pretty strong and frequently not a mellow high. Luckily there are subtle telltale signs that you’ve overdone it, like being afraid to go the toilet because it’s evil.

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'Knutsford’s largest seizure of narcotics': What drug busts mean without the police bullshit