Man starts argument in vague hope of make-up sex

A MAN has started an argument with his girlfriend in the misguided belief that it could lead to mind-blowing make-up sex.

Horny 24-year-old Ryan Whittaker initiated the row after reading how great post-argument sex can be in his girlfriend Cosmopolitan, but it has spiralled into a full-scale relationship breakdown with intercourse seemingly further away than ever.

Whittaker said: “Make-up sex is item 19 of 23 Ways To Spice Up Your Sex Life but now I think I might be single. Uh?

“All I did was criticise Lauren’s spending habits, then when she admitted it was getting out of hand I upped the stakes by accusing her of having an affair. Now she’s locked herself in the bathroom and won’t talk to me, and I don’t think it’s because she’s playing hard to get.

“I can’t back down now, because women don’t like beta males, but I have to admit I’m struggling to keep thinking her crying down the phone to her sister is foreplay.

“Maybe when there’s a lull in the conversation I’ll knock on and say ‘Fancy doing it?’”

After watching Lauren pack her possessions into her car and drive away, Whittaker said: “If my calculations are correct, we’re a couple of hours from the most earth-shattering shag.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Cat shows affection for owner by raking his face with razor-sharp claws

A CAT has expressed its love for its owner by slicing his face open with its knife-like claws, he has confirmed.

Six-year-old Mittens playfully left three deep cuts across Stephen Malley’s cheek in a spontaneous display of adoration after being lightly stroked.

He said: “It’s difficult with a cat. They’re so independent that you don’t always know how they feel about you, until something lovely like this.

“Sure, I feel that thrill of affection when she brings me dead birds but it’s been a while since I had one of those. Where’s my reward for feeding her and cleaning out her litter tray?

“I’ll confess that I was beginning to have my doubts. But all it took was a quick bit of laceration to be reminded that she really does love me after all.

“It made me cry.”

Mittens said: “I’m just glad my out-of-the-box thinking paid off. It felt like my carving uppercut was rolling the dice, but he took it in the spirit it was intended. We’re closer than ever now.”

Next story ›