Man living in fear his mates will discover his girlfriend's TikTok

11th April 2024

A MAN is concerned that friends will find his girlfriend’s TikTok account containing lip-sync videos, unfunny reels, and dances she is unaware teenage boys are wanking to.

James Bates now deeply regrets encouraging Hannah Tomlinson’s amateurish, incredibly random videos which could be considered sexually stimulating by people desperate enough.

Bates said: “I thought her TikTok stuff was stupid but ultimately harmless. Then I realised people might actually watch them. If any of my mates find them I’m dead, roast city.

“I blame myself for being supportive. I should never have said her Spice Girls dance was ‘inspirational’. It was a lie anyway and now she’s done loads more that could easily be misused for sexual purposes. I’ve opened a Pandora’s box of thirst trap videos.

“As bad as the videos are, and believe me they are some of the cringiest things you will ever see, the real horror of this is that she keeps on making them.

“By the time I’ve lived down the roasting I’ll get for the video where she dances to a Michael Jackson song to support Black Lives Matter, she’ll have uploaded another where she gyrates to different national anthems. People won’t be watching for the national anthems.”

Hannah Tomlinson said: “TikTok is where I go to express myself and ultimately forge a solid career based on short internet videos of me miming to music on my phone.

“I feel my creativity is at an all-time high since I made that video where I pole dance to the soundtracks of different Pixar movies.”

'Juliet is white in the film': The racist moron's guide to Shakespeare

11th April 2024

A NEW production of Romeo and Juliet featuring a black actress as Juliet has attracted racist abuse. Here bigot Roy Hobbs explains why the Bard wasn’t woke.

Juliet was definitely white

Look, I’ve seen Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo + Juliet, which everyone knows is the definitive text, and that had Claire Danes in it. End of, mate. You can bang on as much as you like about different versions and interpretations, but if I haven’t seen it on telly while chugging my way through a six-pack of Carling, it doesn’t count. No, I don’t have any further arguments to justify this dimwitted bollocks, so stop asking.

Shakespeare didn’t write any plays about black people

I know my history, which is that no black person set foot in the UK until the Empire Windrush arrived in 1948. So Shakespeare would never have written a play about anyone who was not white, it’s impossible. What about Othello? Yeah, the board game, I’ve played it. Why do I think it’s called Othello? I don’t know, ask whoever invented it.

Society hasn’t changed that much since 1590

People spout a lot of rubbish about how much society has changed since Tudor times and why it’s important to reflect that, but are things really that different? Obviously there’s the internet and cars and space travel and democracy and stuff, but I’ve got gout, just like Henry VIII. Admittedly he might not have got his from only consuming Coca-Cola, Stella and microwave meals, but aside from that we could pretty much be the same man.

It doesn’t matter that it’s made up

Don’t come at me saying Shakespeare is fictional and can be reimagined however anyone wants it to be. There are rules about this sort of thing and you can’t go swapping in anyone you like, however good a performer they may be. The only fictional character I’ll concede there’s some leeway with is James Bond, because 007 is just a codename. Although to be honest I don’t like any of them except Sean Connery slapping gorgeous birds on the arse.

It’s beside the point that I would never have gone to see it anyway

If this hadn’t been whipped into a frenzy on social media by reactionary dickheads with nothing better to do with their time, I’d never have heard about it. It’s not like I attend the theatre on a regular basis. Or ever. But that doesn’t stop me sticking in my oar in. It never does, and I’ve got opinions on everything from trans healthcare to climate change. That’s the great thing about living in a democracy – you can have a strong opinion on anything you know f**k all about.

There was no gender-bending nonsense in those days

As well as changing the race of fictional characters willy-nilly, woke theatre companies love to put on gender-swapped versions of Shakespeare plays. Even though you can be certain that in his day they would never have stood for men playing women. That kind of non-binary madness only started recently, and I blame Ru Paul’s Drag Race and TikTok. Have I seen Shakespeare In Love? No. That sounds a bit gay.