GOT yet another partner who isn’t sure what they want only that it definitely isn’t a lifetime with you? Never mind, there are ways to make your situationship sound more glamorous than it is.
‘I’ve taken a lover’
Gives your on-off shag-and-separation cycle the daring vibe of the early 20th century Bloomsbury set, late 19th century France or frankly just Paris today. And it makes you sound like you discuss Sartre between orgasms on velvet chaise longues rather than bitching about Jenny from Accounts before a shag in a car round the back of Croydon McDonalds.
‘Our passion burned too bright to last’
The feelings were too intense. They became frightened of such fevered amour. Because people actually do that with someone they’re really interested in, don’t they? Still, the pretence makes you feel better, so keep telling yourself that as you alternately scroll Tinder and inspirational quotes, weeping.
‘The sea was his first love’
Glamorises your life by making you sound like a sailor’s wife of years gone by, wandering the shore in the hope of catching a glimpse of your beloved’s ship. In reality, he’s gone kayaking as part of a team-building day, and you’re obsessively examining his Instagram stories hoping to catch a glimpse of his so-called ‘work wife’ Sophie to see how much of a threat she is.
‘We have consciously uncoupled’
Or, rather, they consciously uncoupled from you. So consciously that they texted over a whole list of reasons. But this does make you sound like a Hollywood star ending their marriage via their PR rather than someone trying not to cry at the pub as they tell their mates they are too busy with their career for a relationship anyway. Be sure to add something po-faced about wanting your privacy respected at this difficult time.
‘You wouldn’t understand’
Telling your friends they couldn’t possibly appreciate the depth of the forbidden feelings you have for someone makes you feel like the darkly romantic Heathcliff roaming the wild and windy moors in search of your Cathy. The reality is that this scenario is ‘forbidden’ because you’re having it off with your married boss and your mates think you’re being a stupid dickhead. Which you are.
