subscribe
/ Sign Out

'Is this good?' man asks while rubbing girlfriend's knee in hunt for elusive clitoris

DURING their weekly bout of intercourse, a man mistakenly believed he had finally found his girlfriend’s clitoris, he has revealed.

Eagerly rubbing a patch of his partner’s knee, one Jack Browne was thrilled that his long and inept search for girlfriend Lauren Hewitt’s clitoris had finally reached an end.

An elated Browne said: “They’re tricky little things to track down, but I knew at once when I hit upon it. Lauren was going hog-wild. Honestly, you should’ve heard some of the noises she was making.

“I, Jack Browne, have found the Holy Grail of genitalia. I’m like Indiana Jones. Or a skilled hunter whose patience and marksmanship enabled me to bag my first clitoris.” 

Hewitt said afterwards: “The bastard just spent the last few minutes aggravating a patch of eczema I had on the back of my leg. How he managed to drift that far away from my fanny, I’ll never know.

“It’s literally sitting in plain sight if he went and looked for it, but instead he thinks it’s in some elusive hiding place, like a gynaecological Osama Bin Laden.

“Mind you, the couple of times I have shown him where it is he was completely out of his depth. He basically just frantically pawed at my bits like he was playing a scratchcard.

“Next time I say that I’m going to give him a blowjob, I think I’ll just have a Magnum and say my mouth got lost on the way too.”

How to daintily sidestep any suggestion this is Brexit's fault: A guide for Tories and the media

NEED to talk about the current crises facing the country without mentioning one of the biggest contributing factors? Skirt around Brexit effortlessly with this guide.

Blame everything else

Has Brexit fuelled the cost of living crisis by making imports and exports prohibitively expensive and lopping a huge chunk off GDP? No. Remind readers and viewers of the real reasons: Ukraine and the aftereffects of Covid. Conveniently overlook the fact that EU countries are weathering these storms without old ladies having to ride buses to keep warm.

Point out that everywhere is f**ked

Only concede that Britain is feeling the pinch in a global context. Yes, the country’s energy bills could soar by 74 per cent in 2023, but that’s nothing compared to what Kyiv is going through at the minute. And have you seen that Wuhan has gone back into lockdown? These are completely unrelated points but people should count themselves lucky nonetheless.

Create a debate-proof atmosphere

Follow Suella Braverman’s lead and use inflammatory language to keep hostility at fever pitch. This will make it impossible to criticise immigration policy without words like ‘invasion’ getting thrown around. Flying people to Rwanda is the control Britons bravely fought to take back in 2016. It wasn’t mentioned then but that’s the end of the matter.

Manufacture distractions

These will need to be churned out at breakneck speed because Brexit’s shortcomings are unavoidable. The Queen valiantly did her part to divert attention for a few weeks by dying, but you’ll need to think outside the box as the country’s situation worsens. Bounty bars being removed from Celebrations tubs and Hancock eating a kangaroo bollock will only tide you over for so long.

Just don’t mention it, ever

Simple, but effective. You can’t blame something you never talk about. Keep it up and in a few decades the word will fall out of the public consciousness. When shown it written down, the average Brit will struggle to recognise it and assume it’s a band name or some sort of Pokemon. Well done, you are now successfully off the hook. Apart from being in a Mad Max economy.

Next story ›