IF THE public wants to read about an affair I had in the mid-90s, I will give them what they want. These are my sex tips. Read on.
Excite him orally
The woman has multiple options here, all equally tempting – a rousing speech about demolishing trade barriers, outlining the benefits of a flat-tax regime, or for intimacy a personal anecdote about a wealth creator unfettered by the removal of burdensome regulation. All should have him as hard and unyielding as Hayekian monetarism.
Dance for him
Men, like nations, may require encouragement towards growth. To this end I perform a teasing striptease where the bobbing of my head in no way synchronises any movement made by my body. To arouse him further I hiss.
Go on top
As prime-minister-in-exile, awaiting restoration, I cannot take a subordinate position. Leading from the front brought Britain its finest hour, the fiscal event of September 2022, so it will lead to its glorious sexual equivalent. I mount up and, as on that date, wait smilingly for the miracle to happen. ‘It will come,’ I assure my partner.
Throttle him lovingly
Sometimes a little pressure is necessary. For example, I planned to abolish pensions. Use that mentality here to push your partner into working even harder by limiting his supply of oxygen and ride the ensuing thrash. You see? He was capable of more all along.
Rimming is winning
The arsehole is the powerhouse of the male body and responds well to treatment. Too often fastidious parties claiming to be right-wing have steered clear; there is no hint of rimming in the liaison between Major and Currie, and in 1997 they lost an election. To avoid this I rim like the Devil on heat and you must do the same.
Nothing is off the table
Innovative solutions are necessary in lovemaking as in saving the West, so consider all options. Open relationship? Inviting third parties into the bedroom? Toys? Household pets? Streaming it all on Facebook Neighbourhoods? All must be considered. All Bonnie Blue’s ideas were mine first.
Lay blame
If satisfactory lovemaking is not achieved, it was not your fault. Factors that were deliberately kept hidden from you are to blame. The Blob, the Deep State, groupthink, trans activists, and gilts ruined your climax. Write a book about it then everyone will understand.
