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Martin Lewis issues urgent warning to cretins spaffing away their paycheques on crap

FINANCIAL expert Martin Lewis has exhorted morons who fritter away every penny they earn on useless shite to stop doing it. 

The journalist and money saving guru has advised that, though it might seem like an attractive financial decision to walk into The Range and walk out with armfuls of shower radios, gold meerkat statues and multicoloured feather boas, it is f**king stupid.

He continued: “I’m out here trying to save everyone 2.6 per cent on their annual gas bill and you’re blowing £700 on limited edition Disney statuettes? Stop it.

“You twats are the bane of my life. Stop hopping on Amazon the second you get paid and maybe open an ISA like I tell you every bloody month, yeah?

“Every week I get a call from some twat who’s yet again spent his monthly wage on ugly trainers just because he saw an influencer wearing them. And now he can’t afford to pay his rent. Jesus, you don’t make it easy on yourselves do you, imbeciles?

“I’ve got a degree from LSE, I’ve got an extremely well-guarded reputation for being a consumer champion, I have all kinds of helpful saving and investment tips, and you’re out here without the slightest common sense blowing your money on crap. Dicks.

“I’m sick of wasting good advice on chumps who can’t make simple choices between putting cash in a high-interest account or buying Panini stickers off eBay. Piss off the lot of you.”

The life-threatening dangers of putting a cotton bud in your ear, by a doctor

By Dr Julian Cook, judgemental otolaryngologist

I STAND over the body. ‘It’s a damn shame,’ I mutter, as police prepare to take another cotton bud fatality to the morgue. These are just a few of the ways they can kill you: 

Crainial trauma

The force of a single cotton bud smashing through your ear is equivalent to a JCB digger being dropped onto a fridge from the top of the Shard. Accidentally punch through that protective layer of earwax and you’re going straight into disabling neurological function. At best you will never see the colour mauve again. 

Cardiac infarction

Cough unexpectedly? You’ve convulsively rammed that cotton bud into your bloodstream where it will travel around your body clearing arteries until it punches your heart like a Gladiator’s pugil stick. 

Reset to factory settings

Push too far at the wrong point? You’ve hit the tiny button by your eardrum that erases everything and reboots your system. You may not be dead, but your memories, personality, language skills and soul have been instantly wiped forever. The ‘you’ you once were has gone forever, like a Tamagotchi.

Debilitating and ultimately fatal addiction

You’ve had a taste of the good stuff when it scratches just the right spot and comes out heavy with wax. A high better than a speedball, right? Yeah, and now you’re chasing it and forgoing food, shelter and sleep for one more ride on that cotton dragon. 

Fairisle germs

That cotton is constantly shedding. Without you realising, your ears are filling with wool. Not only does this deafen you, it means all the viruses and bacteria that pass through the ear canal, the Panama Canal of the body, are dressing in cotton fibres to keep themselves warm and protect against your white blood cells. The next day, you die. 

Insulting God

By clearing earwax, you’re suggesting the creator deity of your choice created you imperfectly. And you have rejected Him for the golden calf of plastic-free recyclable cotton buds. For this you’ll burn eternally and/or suffer impacted earwax. Put them on the ground and step away. 

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