How to turn down sex in a way that makes you both feel bad

TELLING your partner you’re not up for sex is an integral part of any relationship. Try these ways to make you both feel awful:

Start an argument

A great way to distract from any sexy vibes is to create a conflict that leaves you both angry, horny and confused. Whether you’re bringing up an ongoing relationship issue out of nowhere, or merely complaining about the way your partner leaves their shoes in the hall, it’ll kill any spark of desire.

Explain in painful detail why you’re saying no

Clarity is key in relationships, particularly in the delicate matter of sex. The more specific reasons you can give for not wanting to bone – be it their personal hygiene, your digestive issues, or something your Mum said to you on the phone yesterday – the quicker you will destroy all amorous feelings.

Say you’re not in the mood

The stars must align for both partners in any normal relationship to be up for a shag at the same time, and such a miracle is so rare that simply ‘not feeling like it’ is a perfectly legitimate excuse. It’s also deeply depressing for both parties, as there is no way of knowing when, if ever, the mood will strike again.

Suggest an alternative, much less fun, activity

There are many ways to bond, and although none of them are as good as going at it like the clappers, many activities are more practical and productive. Why not declutter the cupboard under the stairs together? Or do some batch cooking so that next week’s meals are sorted? It’s way less pressure.

Schedule a time for when you do feel like it

The easiest way to kill your sex drive is knowing exactly when you’re expected to feel horny. While making time for intimacy is important, nothing makes it less alluring than trying to squeeze it in between taking the car to be serviced and a visit to the in-laws.

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Five things from the seaside to go straight in the bin

A DAY trip to the seaside can be fun, but also burden you with a lot of unwanted shit. Chuck these things immediately:

Bits of crab

With the pandemic at the forefront of parents’ minds, a beach with the tide out is essentially a Western wet market. The assorted bits of crab your kids have lovingly brought home may as well be pangolin scales and bat claws. Ditch, disinfect, and give everyone a lateral flow test immediately.

Grab machine Peppa Pig

It would have been cheaper to buy the rights to Peppa Pig than to spend an hour pumping pound coins into a grab machine with the grip strength of an arthritic grandmother. Discretely pop it in the bin when you get home and spin your child some sentimental bullshit about poor Peppa missing her family.

Bathing suits

Crawling around in the sand and paddling near sewage overflow pipes are what seaside days are all about. Until you come to wash the swimsuits and they’re full of ice cream, seaweed, used sanitary towels and more sand than was originally on the beach. Washing them will only clog the drains. Throw away and start again.

Souvenirs

For three minutes the most important thing in your kids’ lives are nodding dogs for the car. Then it’s baseball caps that hold drinks, then sticks of rock with their names through them. Tell yourself you’ll keep the receipts, instantly misplace them and bin it all when your children lose interest in the moment they get home.

Parking ticket

You’re 37 seconds late back to the car and you’ve got a parking ticket. Get angry, say there’s no way you’re paying it and chuck it straight in the bin. Feels good now but you’ll regret it when a County Court Judgement drops through the door two months later.

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