ARE you wrongly convinced you can woo that really attractive friend or person at work? Here’s how to embarrass yourself horribly.
Tell yourself it’s their personality not their looks
It’s important to believe you’re not shallow, so vastly exaggerate the attractive person’s qualities, eg. reading The Girl on the Train makes them a fascinating intellectual. Enough humiliation is heading your way anyway.
Develop an awkward ‘friend zone’ relationship
You know the sort of thing – become good friends but in a way that somehow de-sexualises you, like a brother or sister, or adorable little Pomeranian dog.
Get used to having weird evenings
Gone are the days of relaxed, boozy evenings in the pub. Socialising with the attractive person will involve talking to them as much as possible and worrying that someone else is trying to chat them up, in a joyous combination of logistics and stalking.
You may also meet their mates. These will always include a guy who your unattainable partner thinks is hilarious but who is an utter twat, and a female friend who – rightly – always seems to be sneering at you.
Get totally wasted and declare your undying love
Assuming they don’t secretly love you – which they don’t – this is humiliation in its purest form. Has the added bonus of working out how to apologise with a terrifying hangover while muttering ‘stupid, stupid, stupid’.
Be aware they’ll find an equally attractive partner
Eventually the attractive person will find a partner and you’ll be forced to pretend you’re totally cool with that while everyone smirks to themselves smugly. Stock up on tissues for heartbroken crying, although you may already have plenty due to sexual frustration.
