CHRISTIAN Grey has a lot to answer for, because now every woman on Bumble wants a billionaire dom and is settling. But still feels absurd the moment her bum’s out. Use these tips:
Remember you chose this
If you favour le vice anglais, it’s basic common sense to check beforehand that he’s on board with it. Hurling yourself over his lap while simpering that you’re a bad girl who deserves punishment is awkward when he says ‘Sorry, I thought you worked in HR and had a new-build in Barnstaple?’
Prepare a backstory
He’ll need some motivation to be persuaded that something which is not directly about his dick is a sex act, so have an erotic scenario prepped and ready to go. Otherwise he’ll just be repeatedly thwacking you on the bottom for never emptying the dishwasher and you’ll end up in a pre-coital row.
Characterisation
Traditional spanking roles include the naughty schoolgirl and teacher, secretary and boss, and slave and master. Two of these are horrifying and the middle one at best problematic, but you do you. If you’d like to avoid squeezing into a school uniform aged 42 because it makes you feel like Wee Jimmy Krankie, instead assign your lover the role of Hot Spanky Man.
Invest in equipment
Whips, canes and paddles are popular but hard to explain when discovered by cleaners, mother-in-laws or naturally curious five-year-olds. Still, it’s best to buy the kit. Nothing shatters the illusion you’re Anastasia Steele receiving a rump-reddening session in Christian Grey’s sex dungeon than him using a child’s cricket bat or silicone fish slice.
Avoid mirrors and the word ‘Daddy’
You’re naked and having the fleshiest and wobbliest part of your body paddled. This will cause reverberations to all the other fleshy parts of your body akin to a stone being thrown in a lake. If you see that, it’s over. And contrary to porn, most men do not find being called ‘Daddy’ hot but off-puttingly sordid.
