YOUR girlfriend kindly pretends you are good in bed, but where do you really stand in her league table of lust? Find out:
How many sexual partners has she had?
A) She’s never said specifically but we’ve been together a long time so I’d guess not very many. Single figures. Probably like x-2, where x is the number I’ve had.
B) I’m totally unbothered about her being quite experienced when we met because as she says it’s the here and now that matters. You have the best sex when you’re in love. She also says that.
How does she rate your performance?
A) Definitely I’m the best, though she doesn’t dwell on it because it’s indecorous. She also says I should stop asking and especially stop asking immediately after sex. But what better time?
B) We’re so secure in our relationship I would never think to ask, and that’s not because I’m afraid of the answer. I’m definitely not afraid the answer would involve an extended period of contemplation and possibly a spreadsheet.
Do you bring her to orgasm?
A) Only sometimes. Her inhibitions make it difficult for her, which again is down to her lack of experience. It’s not me. She’s said it’s not me.
B) Yes, every time, with metronymic reliability. She always makes exactly the same noises in the same order, which proves it.
Does she ever talk about her ex-boyfriends?
A) No, we’ve both agreed we prefer her not to. Not because I’m jealous, because I’m not, but because they mean so little to her they’re not worth ever bringing up.
B) She tends not to, which is fine apart from it turns out quite a few of her friends and her friends’ boyfriends, or her friends’ brothers, are included in that number. Which is fine, I just thought she could have mentioned it. But it’s fine that she didn’t.
Does she have a high sex drive?
A) Of course not. Women don’t.
B) Not like she used to early in the relationship, when she kept giving me little tips and ideas of what to do in bed. I ignored that because I know what I’m doing, which she realised and went quiet. We’re both happy with a steady, stable one shag a month.
ANSWERS
Mostly As: The good news is you’re in her top four! Of four. What position exactly? Well it’s x+3, with x the number of sexual positions you’re comfortable with.
Mostly Bs: Ah. You’re the Sheffield United of her conquest league, rooted at the bottom of the table. Her friends can’t meet your eye. Especially not the men.
