GWYNETH Paltrow has been droning on about the sex scenes in her new film, but what is actual sex with wellness guru Gwynnie like? Here are her bedroom tips.
Talk constantly
Nothing is more erotic than talking constantly about New Age spirituality during sex. Any man approaching the of point of orgasm will be delighted to be asked: ‘Are your chakras vibrating in synchrony with the divine life force? Describe the cosmic energy to me!’
Harness the power of the moon in your vag
My ‘moon dust’ range includes powdered herbs that increase libido and sexual function, which I recommend putting in a smoothie. Imagine how great sex will be when your muff has a vague, figurative connection to a lifeless celestial body strewn with meteorite fragments 384,400 kilometres away.
Lots of candles
My vagina candle is slightly redundant when your actual vagina is in play, so use whatever candle suits your needs. Lavender, eucalyptus and sandalwood candles are known for their healing properties, but obviously not for something real like a cut.
Use an aesthetically fashionable sex toy
Sex toys can spice up your lovemaking, but it’s vital to use one with a trendy curved design, like the expensive ones I sell on Goop. If your fanny hammer doesn’t resemble a modernist opera house or a sci-fi weapon that would be really impractical to use, it won’t get you off.
Make spiritual development the focus of your lovemaking
Sex is about reaching a higher plane of karmic existence, not enjoying yourself, and your partner must be aware of that. Repeatedly remind him to stimulate your energy centres and make sure your clitoris is getting plenty of chi. However, if you personally don’t fancy doing something, that’s because Gaia the Earth Mother is telling you not to swallow.
Loads of oils
We spiritual seekers love oils and balms, and they’re ideal for a two-hour massage session before any actual sex, which your partner is sure to love. It’s important to use oil with a cliched herbal ingredient like St John’s Wort which has repeatedly done less than f**k all in scientific studies.
Take your anus on a voyage of spiritual discovery
Bum fun probably aids wellness in some convoluted way, so definitely invest in my prostate stimulator ($219), which you may recall I recommended as a Father’s Day gift, oddly. Personally I prefer a nice coffee enema, so allow your partner to flush out your rectum with a syringe full of tepid Nescafe as a sexy treat.
