THE prime minister’s approval rating is at an all-time low, but is he still more popular than you? Find out with this quiz.
How do people react when you walk into a room?
A) Relief and joy spreads across their faces and they all rush towards me squawking ‘You’re here, you’re finally here!’ It’s hard work making sure everyone gets a hug and a selfie, but when you’re as adored as I am you get used to it.
B) A whispered chorus of ‘Oh f**k’ and ‘Who invited them?’ spreads across the room. This is followed by awkward shuffling which subsides into everyone ignoring me by looking at their phones. If I try to strike up a conversation I’m blanked.
Do you have many friends?
A) The WhatsApp messages never stop blowing up my phone. Everyone from old school friends to distant relatives and fleeting work colleagues want to stay in touch. Every second of my spare time is spent dropping in to a birthday or leaving drinks or a housewarming party. Never a dull moment!
B) Facebook says I have 18 friends, but we both know this is a wild exaggeration. I reckon I have two at a push, and even then I can tell they’re only hanging out with me until someone more interesting comes along. This is normal when you’re an adult though, isn’t it?
When was the last time you went to a party?
A) I’m at one right now. I’m only taking this quiz because one of my many admirers has thrust it into my face. It’s hard to stay focused while I’m handed another cocktail, but I’ll power through so as not to let anyone down. That’s probably why I’m so goddamned popular.
B) A few months ago, incredibly enough, for some glitzy pop concert. Although I think I was only invited along because it was work-related. Everyone seemed pissed off that I turned up so I don’t think I’ll go next time.
Have you got natural charisma?
A) If the people who tell me I do every five seconds are anything to go by, then yes. I can’t see it myself, as far as I’m aware I’m just breezing through life with the easygoing charm and confidence I was born with, but I’ll take their word for it.
B) I have all the compelling presence of cold broccoli soup. Any attempt I make to come across as engaging or suave ends up looking like a poor Mr Bean impression. Even telling an exciting anecdote about my dad sends people to sleep.
You’ve just come up with a broadly sensible but unpopular plan. How has it gone down?
A) People look mildly perturbed for a fraction of a second, then they realise I’ve made the right call and promptly cheer up again. I try to give them some context but they tell me to shush and point out that it sounds like the best thing to do in the long run.
B) Even more badly than the usual reaction to anything I say. When I explain my very reasonable thinking nobody wants to hear it, even though they’ve been complaining about the same issues for years. Makes me wonder why I bother.
ANSWERS
Mostly As: Congratulations, you are wildly more popular than the prime minister at the time of writing. You could probably introduce National Service for the over-80s while wearing donated clothes and still come out on top, you loveable bastard you.
Mostly Bs: Christ, you sound as universally reviled as a tax hike or an immigration policy. Cheer up though, you still sound more popular than Keir Starmer. At least you haven’t got news reporters openly asking you to your face why you’re such a hated twat.
