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Good men all gone and mediocre ones in short supply, woman realises

A SINGLE woman has discovered that she cannot decide to settle for an average man because they have all been snapped up too.

Donna Sheridan, aged 34, often laments that any attractive men she meets were already married. However, after deciding to lower her standards, she realised that even the vaguely alright ones were now off the market to women out of her league.

Sheridan said: “I had a serious talk with myself and committed to giving guys I’d normally immediately swipe left on a chance. As long as their heart was in the right place, it didn’t matter if they weren’t hot or interesting. This netted me a truly humbling lack of responses.

“I thought they’d be grateful for the attention. We’re talking guys so truly ‘meh’, they put their favourite hobby as ‘music’. Not going to gigs, not playing an instrument, just passively enjoying general ‘music’. And they still didn’t match with me.

“Initially I took it personally, but then I thought about the partners of my beautiful, successful female friends. They aren’t especially ugly, but every one is definitely punching when at best they resemble the most nondescript member of Coldplay.

“There’s no hope, so I might as well go back to my teenage fantasy of marrying Ashton Kutcher. That or writing to life-imprisoned serial killers. If I can fight off the competition for them, of course.”

World War Two started when Poland invaded Germany: History according to Donald Trump

NOBODY knows history better than me, the man who founded America. Here are some facts, great facts, that people often get wrong about the past:

The dinosaurs were killed by God’s wrath

Don’t listen to the lies of mainstream archaeologists. There was no asteroid, we all know there was no asteroid. The dinosaurs were smited by God’s divine fury, and we should all be so grateful to Him. It was a beautiful extinction. Truly beautiful. He killed the dinosaurs because they were trans. If you look in the Bible it says that, it says the dinosaurs were trans. Right before it says God created ghosts.

The Roman Empire fell because of DEI

The Roman Empire is the bigliest empire the world has ever seen, stretching all the way from Europe to Europe. And the Roman people, wow, they invented a lot of stuff. Lava lamps, they invented lava lamps. And they would have invented more if discriminatory diversity programmes pushed by the radical left didn’t destroy them overnight. That’s why I’m scrapping DEI, folks, or the same thing will happen to America.

Women never won any rights

It’s true, they never won them. Everyone thinks they did but they didn’t. That means every woman who’s ever voted or walked in public without a male escort has broken the law and should go to jail. It also means that if a man ever pays a woman hundreds of thousands of dollars in hush money then he’s technically not done anything wrong and you should just forget about it.

World War Two started when Poland invaded Germany

The cruel, warlike people of Poland forced Germany into a war that would engulf the world. They started by coercing the poor, defenceless Nazis into retaking Austria and the Sudetenland, and in their endless thirst for power they invaded Germany by moving into the Polish corridor. Poland could have made a deal that ended the war instantly, but instead they dragged it out over six devastating years. Sad story.

America was the first nation to land on the sun

Scientists said it couldn’t be done. They said it’s hot, the sun’s very hot. And bright too. But in 1969, brave American pioneers defied the odds and set foot on the sun’s shining surface. They even planted a flag which you can still see by looking directly at the sun, which is totally safe to do. You don’t need special glasses or anything, I do it all the time and it’s not affected me.

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