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Girlfriend marks territory by leaving hair bobbles around boyfriend's flat

A MAN’S new girlfriend is asserting her presences and scaring away rivals by leaving hair ties in every room of his home.

Charlotte Phelps, aged 29, began to lay down markers with thin bits of elastic, then swiftly followed this with bobby pins, and later added two-thirds of the hair section from Claire’s Accessories.

She said: “It’s hardwired biologically. Humans are territorial animals, which is why you never see the same people in McDonalds and The Ivy, even though they’re on the same street.

“So to stake my claim as his mate I’m layering his dwelling with bobbles, scrunchies, and indeed long strands of my hair. These will trigger a fight-or-flight response in other women of breeding age, not that I’m thinking about kids because I’m not.

“The next step is to aggressively spray my perfume everywhere as a scent marker other females will pick up on. This also extends to buying him candles which no single man would ever own.

“It’s basically the human equivalent of baring your teeth, pissing in a circle, and waggling your genitals. Can’t argue with science.”

Boyfriend Oliver said: “It’s pretty normal to want to territorially tag your significant other. I took an outrageous dump at her place. That’ll warn suitors away from 60 feet.”

Rachel Riley's favourite things to tweet about despite not knowing all the facts

HI! I’m attractive, famous and went to Oxford so I can do no wrong, even when making wild and it transpires incorrect assumptions in tweets. I also opine on these subjects: 

Horse racing

Am I familiar with the world of racing? No, so I’m tweeting my hot tips. Today I’m backing Ajax Handcream Scandal in the 15.35 at Newmarket at 500-1. Put on at least £10,000 if you’ve got it.

Mass murders

When I hear about a horrific incident, I strongly imply insider knowledge by mentioning one, and only one, possible cause. With Sydney I said ‘global intifada’. That’s not technically it’s Islamic terrorism, just terrorism-adjacent. It’s as if I said: ‘Want something to eat? I fancy a pizza.’ Only an idiot would order a pizza on that basis.

Medical advice

I’m not a doctor, so where’s the harm in giving medical advice? Got a pain in your head, like a dull ache? Brain tumour, inoperable. Slight itching downstairs? Herpes, or radiation burns. How can anyone with a maths degree be wrong?

Jeremy Corbyn

Because Corbyn was a rabid anti-Semite, I had a T-shirt made of him being arrested carrying a placard at an anti-apartheid demo in 1984, but replacing his slogan with ‘Jeremy Corbyn is a racist endeavour’. Because that message isn’t ludicrously complicated at all so is perfect for 240 characters on Twitter.

Magnetohydrodynamics

Imagine a molten metal, which is also magnetic, interacting with plasma in a vacuum. I have, and while it’s an immensely complicated field only a handful of people worldwide understand, I imagine it’s much like if you pop a bath bomb in while the plug’s out. In Australia.

Slender Man

Gives me the creeps. I haven’t researched this but I’ve seen the pictures and he certainly poses a threat, especially to small children. Warn them about him late at night when they can’t sleep. It’s better they’re informed.

What to do if attacked by a bear

During breaks on Countdown while the contestants are being defibrillated, I run through bear attack scenarios. I’d play with the bear’s cubs to prove I’m no threat and halt any attacks. After that I wonder: am I the archetypal brainy person unknowledgable outside their narrow specialism? Yes, just like Richard Dawkins. Who everyone loves!

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