THINK legally yoking yourself to someone who gets on your nerves will magically make everything better? Here are some equally terrible relationship ideas.
Getting married will save our relationship
Having problems? Reckon getting hitched will make them all go away? Unfortunately, it won’t. Instead you’ll be contractually bound to the mouth-breathing moron you’ve come to hate and be extra pissed off with them because you’ve just wasted ten grand on what is essentially a big party. Spend your cash on moving out instead.
Having a baby will bring us closer together
Worried that your relationship is drifting and want something to bind you together? Then don’t have a baby. It will throw sleeplessness, exhaustion and terrifying anxiety about the fragility of life into your already failing partnership. Get a kitten instead. You can always rehome it when you do break up.
Looking at someone else is cheating
Do you think being deeply in love means that your partner will never cast an appreciative eye over someone else again? When they inevitably do, it doesn’t mean they’re about to cheat on you, but it does mean you are so cripplingly insecure you’ll drive them into someone else’s arms faster than you can say, ‘Are you looking at her tits?’
Arguing in public is acceptable
If you’ve been invited to a dinner party, it’s not because people want to see you and your partner engage in round 398 of your endlessly simmering passive-aggressive fight about who has to be the designated driver. Although eventually they’ll just stop inviting you, which will stop the arguments because you’ll never go out.
If you don’t settle now you’ll be alone forever
The amount of horny pensioners logging onto dating websites should demonstrate that it’s never too late to get your leg over or fall in love. Rather than grudgingly agreeing to marry Gareth the estate agent when you’re 29 because all your mates are getting wed, hold out for someone you actually love. Or just be single forever, it’ll be much less annoying.
