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Gen Z couple agrees safeword before standard missionary

A GEN Z couple always agree on a safeword before engaging in completely mundane sexual intercourse, it has emerged.

Jordan Gardner and his partner Lucy Phipps sit down and have a discussion about their goals and expectations, as well as deciding on a clear ‘stop’ signal should their incredibly vanilla sex become too risqué.

Gardner said: “Some people might say that talking through every detail before having sex removes the spontaneity. However, we find that open communication beforehand, and stopping for a performance review halfway through, only enhances our lovemaking.

“We respect each other’s autonomy and our safeword, which is ‘Waterstones’, allows each of us – usually Lucy – to signal that we aren’t that into it and would prefer to just look at our phone for a bit. Which is totally cool, and not in any way upsetting.”

Phipps said: “Obviously boundaries and consent are important, but sex with Jordan is incredibly tedious. Hearing him yell ‘Waterstones!’ whenever I try move into any position other than missionary is infuriating.

“I should dump him really, but I know he’ll make me sit through some sort of soul-destroying relationship exit interview and I just can’t be arsed with it.”

How to reconnect with an old friend you've not seen for 15 years and hoped you never would again

HAS a friend you prayed was out of your life forever got back in touch? Endure the conversation with these tips.

Try to remember personal details out of politeness

What was their name again? Where did they say they were from? How did you even know each other to begin with? These are the sorts of questions your brain will desperately be trying to answer as you start spouting lies like ‘It’s so good to see you!’ and ‘I’ve been hoping to bump into you again!’ Let them do the talking and hopefully they’ll fill in the blanks.

Bring up all those good times you shared

God, remember all those amazing nights out you shared at university… or was it after work? Were you at a mutual friend’s wedding? Nailing down details too soon will give away that you have bulk-deleted all the information about this person, so keep the chat vague. Were they from your embarrassing Warhammer 40,000 phase in secondary school? They certainly look and smell like it.

Feign interest while they drone on

Years of office small talk will have prepared you for this. As your old friend jabbers away about how they now rent the spare room in their parents’ house and recently got a sideways promotion at their shit job, simply nod and smile and occasionally say ‘Good for you!’ You will send this data to your mental recycle bin as soon as you get home, so there’s no need to properly engage with it.

Lie about why you drifted apart

You know how it is. You deliberately moved as far away from them as you could, didn’t give them your new phone number and declined all their invites on social media. Life just gets in the way like that. You can’t say the honest truth though, so you will have to make up a series of bullshit excuses. What’s worse is that your deluded old friend will willingly believe them.

Do not reveal contact information

Reconnecting with your old friend won’t slake their thirst for your company. They’ll want to stay connected, go for a drink, meet your other friends and burrow their way into your life like a tick. Don’t let them. If you can’t escape unnoticed, part company without sharing your phone number, email or home address. It will be difficult as they will likely press you for details, but stand your ground. And if the worst comes to the worst, simply run away without explanation.

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