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Five things your teenager is pissed off about right now

GOT a teenager? Any idea what they’re so massively f**ked off about? Here are five likely causes:

Something you said

You taught your adolescent how to speak but now it seems you’re only capable of spouting complete shite. What do you mean you ‘think she’ll regret a nose piercing’? Do you not trust her to make her own decisions? Someone call Oswald Mosley, there’s a new fascist in town.

Something you did

Could you be breathing/chewing/walking/existing any louder? F**king hell, it’s like you only exist to embarrass your teenager by any means necessary. Even the way you drive your car is cringe. Just drop them off round the corner – please.

This crap house

Don’t you think you should have been more financially secure before you committed to having kids? Like, millionaire-level secure? The lack of marbled floors or priceless Ming vases is so vexing right now.

‘Life’

You never warned them that becoming an adult was so f**king boring – or maybe you did, but they just weren’t listening and now they despise you anyway. How is it fair that your daughter has to unload the dishwasher? It’s not. It’s child cruelty.

Climate change

If you insist on giving them the benefit of the doubt, maybe your teenager is a regular Greta Thunberg who’s worried about how global warming will affect their generation for decades to come. But let’s face it, they might just want something earnest to complain about.

'Rough round the edges' and other ways middle class people describe working class areas

UNSURE if you’ve accidentally stumbled into a working class area? If a middle class person describes it as any of these, the answer is yes:

‘Rough round the edges’

An understated way of saying somewhere is repellent without explicitly mentioning that it’s the local residents who make it undesirable. Like-minded snobs will be able to read between the lines and give a snide nod of agreement.

‘Not really our type of place’

Typically vague to avoid offending anyone within earshot. However the disdainful ambiguity alone will make it obvious to any middle class person with their head screwed on that they shouldn’t even drive through somewhere like this.

‘Do you think it’s safe?’

Far from saying that an area might be dangerous to visit due to a potential knife attack, this phrase means that it might not be safe for you to speak loudly in your expensively-cultivated accent and feel completely comfortable.

‘Isn’t there a Poundland there?’

As if the absence of a Waitrose wasn’t frightening enough, if a middle class person mentions that there’s a Poundland in the area, it’s a clear sign they’d rather give up their French holiday home than drop in for a visit.

Puff out their cheeks and shake their head

Sometimes there’s no need to say anything. This gesture alone conjures up images of England flags, tattoos, tradesmen and God knows what else. Nobody with a Volvo in their driveway would dare go near it.

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