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Ex who has life together wants to reconnect

YOUR ex-partner who has not contacted you in years now has a life worth envying so would love to meet you for a coffee. 

After years of not answering texts, your ex has bought a flat, been promoted at work and is in a long-term relationship with an objectively hot person so thinks it would be great to catch up.

Their text, appearing directly below a previous message from 2020 asking you never to contact them again, said: “Hey, how’s it going? Fancy meeting and listening to me boast while I show off my trim new figure?

“We can reminisce about old times, where I’ll subtly airbrush my previous failings to make myself feel better. I know a cute little independent cafe that’s perfect for sharing that I’m finally on the property ladder!

“Let’s make an afternoon of it. I’ve got so many wild hookups to allude to, and it’ll take a while to show you dozens of pictures of me looking great in the Maldives with my new partner who earns six figures.

“I might not have time to hear about how you’re doing though. Soz.”

After you foolishly agreed, your ex said: “Great, it’s a date! Well, not a date, but you know. The closest you’ve had for a while.”

What are tariffs and how are they going to f**k me over? A guide for Trump voters

PRESIDENT Trump has vowed to impose 25 per cent tariffs on the US’s closest neighbours and biggest trading partners. How will this ruin his voters’ lives? 

By raising gas prices

Americans are so obsessed with gas prices – meaning petrol, which is a liquid not a f**king gas but whatever – that two cents on a gallon is a seismic event. ‘It costs an extra six dollars to drive 180 miles for cheesecake? Get my assault rifle, honey.’ An extra 25 per cent on oil from Canada? Learning that Canada is useful to them? They cannot comprehend.

By raising all other prices

The US also imports food, cars, and electronic goods, as well as exporting to countries that will impose retaliatory tariffs. Which means the price of everything will increase, immediately after an election largely thought to have been won because eggs cost more. An adverse reaction is to be expected.

By not stopping immigration

The ostensible reason for tariffs is to call a halt to illegal immigration. However, Mexico does not, by definition, control those sneaking across the US border. They are not an official policy. And illegal immigration from Canada has never been an issue. The northern states of the US are not plagued with an influx of extremely polite Leonard Cohen fans.

By not stopping the drug trade

Americans love drugs. They love to be high on them. Mexico supplies the bulk of those drugs, to the extent that it is a narco-state run by cocaine cartels. They own the police and border guards and give $100m bribes to presidents. They do not pay tariffs. Destroying other industries only makes them richer. Good news for Americans, who love drugs.

By not affecting Trump’s support even slightly 

Trump voters know their hero, a strong, dynamic colossus trapped in the body of an effete 78-year-old with a bronzer habit, cannot be wrong. Any damage caused by cretinous policies, therefore, cannot be his fault. Their material circumstances worsening will be blamed on their enemies: Mexico, Canada and liberals. A three-front war will soon commence.

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