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Bid to ban marriage between cousins is 'war on countryside'

A CONSERVATIVE MP is accused of striking at the very fundamentals of rural life with a bill to ban marriage between cousins. 

Richard Holden, member for Basildon and Billericay, has slapped traditional Tory voters in the face by introducing a fancy metropolitan private member’s bill banning the age-old practice without which many country communities would not survive.

Norman Steele of Lowestoft said: “Tractors on Whitehall again, is it? Because once again the townies are meddling with what they don’t understand?

“First fox-hunting, then the removal of agricultural relief from inheritance tax we’ve had since time immemorial ie 1984, and now you’re meddling in our love lives and family. Specifically our right to combine the two.

“We can’t help it if you’ve got ugly cousins. Out here, when the moon is high, the baling’s done and it’s a 40-minute walk to the neighbouring farm, we love who we want to love.

“You’d have thought the Tories would have understood. How this Holden lad’s got the nerve to talk about ‘congenital anomalies’ with his face I’ll never know.”

Holden said: “Oh God, I’m so sorry. I thought I’d found a new way to be racist and instead I’ve hurt those ignorant rural voters we treasure the most.”

Which university to attend if you're posh but too thick for Oxbridge: A guide for the wealthy

HAVE you been excluded from Oxbridge on the totally unfair basis that you’re too stupid? Here are some alternatives for posh rejects, handily listed in descending order of snobbery.

Durham

So what if you fumbled the Worcester College entrance interview? Even if you’d made it through you probably would have ended up at Durham sooner or later due to failing stuff. You should feel sorry for the poor sods who had Durham down as their first choice but couldn’t get the grades. They must be thick as pig shit.

London School of Economics

Yes, LSE is a highly prestigious university that only the best of the best get into, but focus on that last word: ‘economics’. Money talks even more in higher education than it does in the real world, so if you’re sufficiently wealthy, just buy your way in. A modest financial gift should do it. How about a new wing on the Marshall Building?

Bristol

Don’t let the fact that it’s in the South West put you off. Bristol University is part of the Russell Group so it’ll still look good on your CV. The entry process can be highly selective, but so long as you dazzle the admin team by not speaking with the primitive accent of the locals you should get in without too much trouble.

St Andrews

The University of St Andrews frequently tops the rankings of the UK’s best universities, and the future King and Queen both studied there. Despite this people aren’t clamouring to get into it with the same intensity as Oxbridge, presumably because it’s all the way up in Scotland and isn’t renowned for being the home of a barely tolerable student sketch troupe.

Exeter

You’re really down to the dregs now. Exeter is known for being the number one sports university in the south, which means that once you graduate after burning £45,000 you’ll still be working in a dead-end job for the rest of your life. The surroundings are suitably upper-class though, so at least you’ll have a good view while you squander your future.

Goldsmiths

Goldsmiths specialises in creative subjects, meaning even stupid dickheads have a decent chance of getting in. You don’t need to be particularly smart to succeed in the arts, but it’s a huge help if you’ve got rich parents who want to be shot of you for three years. If you can tolerate being around other braindead pretentious poshos, you’ll fit right in.

Oxford Brookes

The university of choice for people who still want to give the impression they are studying at Oxford. With its much, much lower entry requirements you’ll find it no problem to get in. Just remember to omit ‘Brookes’ when friends and future employers ask you where you studied.

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