WANT to turn straightforward sex into a logistical nightmare? Here’s how to have an unforgettably unsatisfying night.
Lay the groundwork ten years in advance
This is a massive ask of your partner, so you should plant the seeds of a multi-person love-in early. Casually mention it on your first date and then at every available opportunity after that until they finally cave and agree, just to shut you up.
Be prepared to destroy your entire relationship for a single night
There are some important calculations you must do before embarking on this ultimately foolish group sex experience. Consider how long you’ve been together. Divide it by 100. Now multiply that by 0. That’s how long your relationship will last after you wake up the next morning.
Practice multi-tasking
If you’re not one of those people who can rub their tummy and pat their head at the same time, a threesome is not for you. You do realise there’ll be two other people there, right? You need to do twice the amount of work and will receive twice the amount of disappointed looks.
Choose someone you’ll never see again
Running into your former squeeze or your partner’s ex is bad. But bumping into someone who’s witnessed both of you at your most embarrassing and then watched you weeping silently as you put your socks on the next day is worse. Don’t pick a colleague or your next door neighbour, in other words.
Be ready to leave unsatisfied
The chances of you both managing to do this and having a good time while you’re doing it are low. Think about your orgasm success rate when it’s just the two of you, and add the multiple variables contributed by a third party. Now consider if it’s worth the logistical hassle, not to mention the total breakdown of your previously pleasant relationship.
