CHEATING is morally reprehensible, unless done in one of the following sanctioned scenarios. Serial philanderer Julian Cook explains:
On holiday
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas and what happens in a Travelodge in Blackpool with a former backing singer for Tom Jones stays in that Blackpool Travelodge. It’s a hard rule, as I had to tell my wife when she found my spare phone with the texts from Eunice. It stays there, I said.
At a conference
If you’re a high-flying executive jetting around the world, marital infidelity is pretty much part of the job. What else are you supposed to do while in Aberdeen for three days at a business symposium about recycleable packaging than shag an equally bored attendee? It’s practically on the itinerary.
On a stag/hen party
Held to herald the beginning of a new marriage, they’ve a strong record of causing the collapse of one of the guests’ marriages. Wrongly. When will pedantic spouses learn that, after hours being bored by the groom’s father-in-law while clay-pigeon shooting, a blowie down a Rhyl back alley with a woman you bought four drinks for is perfectly acceptable?
At a music festival
Back in the 60s, Woodstock stood for free love and sticking it to repressive social conventions. As such, I think it’s a bit rich for anyone to complain when I strike up a vibrant, sexual connection with a fellow attendee at a festival, local church fete, farmer’s market, or primary school’s Summer Fayre.
Online
The last time I looked up the definition of ‘affair’, during an argument, it involved actually laying pipe. So why my wife gets so worked up about various erotic texts and graphic images I’ve exchanged with various female friends online, I don’t know. I haven’t even got off with any of them! Some people just can’t follow rules.
