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The Daily Mail guide to making normal human behaviour creepy

FANCY insinuating that ordinary things people do are illicit, immoral and bad? The Daily Mail knows how. Try these: 

Couple having dinner?

Are they happy? Are they at crisis point? What’s their body language? Does looking f**ked off at paparazzi mean she’s issued a relationship ultimatum? There’s no way this could just be a meal out. They’re sending a signal. Something’s going on. Something wrong.

Woman on her own?

Popping to the post office? Alone? When she’s famous? Clearly a tragic, lonely, barren witch perpetually on the verge of breakdown and addicted to prescription drugs.

Foreigners on television?

If they’re dancing happily at the Duchess of Cambridge, lovely. If they’re dancing happily at Meghan, less lovely but don’t admit why. If they’re presenting the news or winning a reality television baking programme, it’s that political correctness. Gone mad.

Woman wearing dress?

Frame her as being brave, and pile on further stinging compliments like ‘curvy’, ‘generous’ and ‘VERY relaxed look’. Also focus excessively on her ‘sideboob’ as if it’s the most important thing about her.

Older man with younger woman?  

Leer over how affectionate they are with each other, detail his failed marriages and linger over her youthful limbs, using words like ‘nubile’ and ‘shapely’. Never bother printing a correction that they’re father and daughter.

Woman? 

If she was innocent, she wouldn’t have left the house.

Finally the riots, thinks Brexiter hearing fireworks

A BREXITER hearing fireworks going off has mistaken them for the pro-Brexit riots he is expecting to sweep the country. 

Joe Turner of Lincoln heard the bangs, checked the front door was locked and headed upstairs to watch the patriotic revolution surge through Britain from the front bedroom.

He said: “Took their time. Should’ve been the 31st, but it’s not like the wounds of betrayal will ever heal so I suppose there wasn’t a rush.

“I imagine it’ll begin here, in the provincial towns, then we’ll encircle the Remainers in the big cities with their poncey jobs, burn them out and send them to the countryside to learn to live correctly, like Pol Pot did.

“Though from the sounds of those bangs there’s a flurry of on-the-spot executions. City council most likely. They’ve only themselves to blame.

“Yep, I can see the fires. Houses? Shops? Can’t tell from here. A strong wind and half the city’ll go up. Still, you can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.

“Whoosh! That was a big one. Probably Nick Boles, he’s one of them. Shame I missed that. Still, they’ll probably show the highlights on the news once we’ve taken the BBC.”

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