subscribe
/ Sign Out

Rightmove confirmed as 'Tinder for married people'

COUPLES get their kicks from ogling period homes with plenty of character rather than hot single people, it has emerged.

Emma Bradshaw and Wayne Hayes have been together for ten years and still find each other moderately attractive, yet both admit to seeking some extra excitement from Rightmove.

Bradshaw said: “We’re not yet at the stage of secretly downloading dating apps and engaging in dispiriting ‘sexting’ with people half our age, so what currently does it for us is a good, long session on property sites.

“It’s very similar to Tinder. Answer a few generic questions about the sort of thing you’re looking for and then make quick, thoughtless value judgements based on how well the photo’s lit.

“Tom really gets going over a double garage or off street parking, whereas I’ve got a bit of a thing for a kitchen-diner with breakfast bar. Throw in a herringbone wood floor and we’ll be satiated for days.

“Much like with online dating apps, it never goes anywhere. We just have a bit of a moan about our current home, then decide we love it really.

“Well, for a few days at least. Then it irritates us with a leaky boiler and the whole cycle begins again.”

Man being passionately political on Facebook will definitely forget to vote

A MAN who won’t shut up about how important it is to vote will miss polling day due to being in the pub.

Tom Logan has been irritating his friends with holier-than-thou rants about low election turn-outs, despite the fact that the last time he made it to a polling station he found it closed because he had gone on the wrong day.

Booker’s friend Carolyn Ryan said: “Tom usually only posts pictures of himself in various states of wastedness, so there is something deeply irritating about him suddenly developing a political conscience.

“It’s like he thinks no one else has noticed about the election, or even politics in general, and has taken it upon himself to educate us all in a patronising fashion.

“It’s admirable in a way, but I’d honestly rather see 19 identical photos of Tom being sick in a doorway than yet another infographic that he clearly does not understand about the economic effect of Brexit.”

Booker said: “There is nothing finer than exercising one’s democratic right to vote. Unless they put the polling station too far from the pub, of course. Then it’s just a massive pain in the arse.”

Next story ›