DECIDED to f**k up everyone else’s Christmas by having a wedding? You probably think these other things are a great idea too.

Getting married

Of all the monumentally selfish things you can do at Christmas, getting married is the worst. For you it might seem incredibly special and romantic, but for your friends and family who have to figure out the logistics of travelling hundreds of miles two days before Christmas, as well as buy a new outfit and shell out for a hotel, it’s just a monumental pain in the arse. They may be smiling in the photos, but it’s through painfully gritted teeth.

Going on holiday

Think getting on a plane to the Caribbean on Christmas Eve will result in a lovely, relaxing festive holiday? Think again. The roads will be gridlocked, the airport will be packed and time you could have spent swilling Baileys at home will instead be spent standing in a massive queue for security anxiously checking your watch. And that’s if your plane and therefore the whole trip isn’t cancelled at the last minute, forcing you to go to the petrol station on Christmas Day to purchase cheese strings and a Twix for dinner.

Travelling miles to visit people

If you’re visiting anyone more than a ten-minute walk away on Christmas Day, you have lost your mind. Even if you drive somewhere fairly local, someone will have to suffer through the whole event sober, and if you set off on a three-hour trip in order to get somewhere for dinner, you’re bound to break down, meaning you’ll be spending Jesus’ birthday in a lay-by on the M5 waiting for the AA and quietly weeping.

Going to the pub

The novelty of going down the pub on Christmas morning is fun, but also means you’ll get overexcited and neck four pints in 40 minutes and end up utterly shitfaced, then spend the rest of the day asleep in an armchair while your partner’s family mutter darkly about your ‘problem’. When you finally wake up at 10pm everyone else will be going to bed and all that will be left to eat is a dry bit of turkey and a bowl of warm, sloppy trifle.

Having Christmas dinner at a restaurant

Christmas lunch at a restaurant means nobody has to cook or wash up, and you can all just enjoy each other’s company. Seems like a lovely idea until you have the realisation that obsessively basting a turkey or methodically cleaning every fork and spoon in the house means you don’t have to talk to your family. And now you’re stuck listening to Uncle Brian’s opinions on small boats while waiting staff obviously pissed off to be working on Christmas Day sullenly slop gravy on your best trousers.

Going to a club on New Year’s Eve

The only thing more dickish than getting married at Christmas is forcing a friend to accompany you to a nightclub on New Year’s Eve. It is 100 per cent guaranteed to be shit and full of the most awful bellends in the local area, so all you can do is get hammered and then wake up to 2025 with a horrific hangover and someone you really don’t fancy in your bed. Start as you mean to go on.