Massive rise in immigration ‘not of interest’ to right-wingers

A HUGE post-2019 rise in immigration is a minor story the public would not take any interest in, Conservatives and their newspapers have agreed. 

Leading Tories have dismissed the net migration figure rising from 150,000 a year in 2019 to 950,000 in 2024 as a non-story only of interest to woke liberal bean-counters, not real British people.

Shadow foreign secretary Chris Philp, after his initial surprise that was indeed his role, said: “Immigration figures? Do you think your average Conservative voter gives a fig?

“No, the man on the street in Stoke-on-Trent is far more concerned with issues that affect him directly, like the scandalous decision to remove landowners’ exemption from inheritance tax or imposing VAT on private schools.

“I honestly don’t think most of Britain even knows what an immigrant is, let alone has an opinion about them. They’re as opaque an issue as non-cleared cocoa futures derivatives. Who cares if that number goes up?

“That immigration rose by 530 per cent under a Conservative government? Just one of the many indexes that soared in that blissful time, like inflation, fuel bills and quality of life.”

Tory voter Roy Hobbs said: “If it mattered to me, it’d be on GB News. And they gave it the same prominence as a Brazilian pig-farmer becoming the world’s oldest man.”

'Fare-dodging would at least have been appropriate,' thunders Starmer

THE prime minister has told former transport secretary Louise Haigh if she wanted to get a criminal record for fraud then she could have simply fare-dodged.

Starmer admitted he ‘cannot believe the idiocy’ of fraudulently keeping a company phone when there were petty crimes involving transport ‘that are of a piece with your brief’.

He continued: “What if you’d been caught incorrectly using a railcard which wasn’t valid before 10am, and convicted for that? That would have been very much on-brand.

“Or mugged in the station then fined £500 by Transport for London because you didn’t tap your Oyster card on the way out? A sympathetic story like that would have justified any amount of rail reform.

“I’d have been happy with a simple, honest, hiding in the toilet between Glasgow and London. A crime our Red Wall voters would have identified with.

“But no, you’ve besmirched this government for nothing more than a pathetic attempt to keep a work-issued Motorola Moto G so you could trade it in for credit at CeX. Get out of my office. And that hair’s not natural.”

Starmer added: “I’m even more furious about this now than I was four years ago, when I found out but the press didn’t know. That’s how deeply moral a leader I am.”