ISN’T cooking funny, with all its potential for sexual innuendo? For no particular reason, here are some phrases you wouldn’t want to be misinterpreted in a mixed-sex cookery environment:
‘Cream infusion’
Sounds quite technical, so confusion can be avoided by not saying ‘Fancy a cream infusion, love?’ with a lascivious grin on your face while staring at her cleavage.
‘Icing your buns’
A kind offer to help a woman complete an onerous baking workload by icing her buns can easily be misinterpreted, especially if you insist on telling her you are not wearing underpants today.
‘Toad-in-the-hole’
Anything involving holes sounds sexual, especially in conjunction with batter, so refer to it as ‘pork cylinders in a starch and bicarbonate delivery system’. People will wonder what the f**k you’re talking about but there’s zero chance of disciplinary action.
‘Boning the meat’
This is coarse, unpleasant, and objectifying to women, so avoid sounding like a horrible misogynist by offering to butter her muffin instead.
‘Moist’
This is what sponge cakes and vaginas should be, but it feels a bit too gynaecological for bawdy innuendo purposes. Stick with tiresome smut like ‘baps’, ‘melons’ and, of course, ‘my special sauce’.
‘Getting one hand wet’
A baker’s term that is actually more about having a dry hand so you can handle things like utensils and other ingredients without constantly stopping to wash dough or liquid off your fingers. But you couldn’t call it ‘Keeping one hand dry’ because that doesn’t sound like fingering.
‘Pulled pork’
To be honest, if you’re going to make someone deeply uncomfortable by alluding to wanking, you may as well hint at full sex on the slim chance they’re up for it. Say you want to ‘bury the beef bayonet’ instead.
‘Juices running clear’
It requires quite a mental leap to get from chicken juices to vaginal fluid, so it may well go unnoticed by someone without a filthy mind. Too complicated, and may just lead to a dull conversation about kitchen thermometers and not washing chicken in the sink.
‘My sausage, a big sausage, suck on my sausage’
The physical resemblance between sausages and penises is a tired cliche, so avoid. It’s the sort of leaden sexual metaphor Jilly Cooper loves, and there’s likely a passage in Riders that goes: ‘His big sausage slid inside her, bringing her to a shuddering climax as he pounded her pink gravy boat.’
‘A good stuffing’
Always raises a laugh from people with a stunted sense of humour. If your kitchenmates are this simpleminded and filth-obsessed, more or less anything will pass muster as sexual innuendo. Ask someone if they ‘take it up the doughnut’ and bask in the howls of demented, delighted laughter.
