subscribe
/ Sign Out

How to write a triumphant column about Trump that will make you look a dickhead in four years or less

ARE you a journalist? Right-of-centre? Looking to write a gloating column about President Trump that will age very, very badly? Follow these tips: 

Skip over the inconvenient

Whether it’s the attempt to overturn an election or his bromance with Putin, move smoothly past the awkward fact that he proudly stands for multiple policies you’re theoretically dead against. Stress instead his mandate, his restoration of traditional values, how lovely his wife looks in her gangster hat, and let canceling elections come as a lovely surprise.

Dismiss valid concerns

The promise to retake the Panama Canal by force? No more than the aggressive opening of a negotiation by a renowned deal-maker. Trump’s no more going to send troops in an act of war against a peaceful neighbour than he would pack the judiciary with pals and arrest political opponents on false charges. Stay sure of that until it happens.

Praise his restraint

Trump loves praise, so lavish it. Tell him how wonderful he is for not imposing martial law, how statesmanlike for not appointing his sons to key cabinet posts, that by not ordering his face to be added to Mount Rushmore on the first day he is acting in the tradition of Jefferson and Lincoln. Then watch him do all those things because you gave him the idea.

Revel in the defeat of the wokerati

Never mind what Trump will do, what about your enemies? The columnists for rival newspapers who disagree with you? The twats who insist on having different opinions to you on social media? This is a time to mock, to belittle, to taunt them for their ridiculous claims of incipient fascism. You definitely won’t regret those words.

Stake your reputation

Dizzy with success, make predictions. Elon Musk’s random firing of half the government will have uniformly positive consequences. Appointing a vaccine-skeptic will be a massive boost to America’s health. Making it clear the rule of law doesn’t apply to thugs on our side will work out brilliant. Then sit back and wait to reap the wonderfulness you have sown.

He says he doesn't date women over 30, you shout 'House!': the rules of Bumble Guy Bingo

WITH his vinyl, woollen hat, impeccable left-wing politics, eschewing of commitment and obsession with Japanese whiskey, Bumble Guy lends himself to a fun game. Play along at home!

“Let me talk you through my vinyl collection” 

He would have you believe his passion is the warm analogue sound, while it’s actually the opportunity to show off. Listening to Lou Reed on Spotify cannot compare to actually holding a physical object showing that you listen to Lou Reed. Without vinyl, Bumble Guy would have to to hand out cards reading ‘I’m a Velvet Underground fan and therefore cool’.

“I only date under 30” 

Setting his physical standards high and his age limit low, he’s doing it for them. After 30 women get obsessed with discriminatory bullshit, like babies and houses and telling you to ‘find a f**king job, Simon, you’re 43 and no one wants to read your novel’. He doesn’t want to waste those women’s valuable time.

“I don’t suppose you’re familiar with Tarkovsky?” 

Bumble Guy does not love films. He loves film, singular, and he loves it with a clinical passion you, rewatching Pretty Woman after wine, could never aspire to. At least half of the films he watches are subtitled and have no discernible point. He suspects he could make a cinematic experience as visceral as Raging Bull, if he should be given the budget.

“It’s important to me to match on values” 

Those values are community, freedom (to date others and go in bareback) and gender equality, in terms of splitting the bill after the first date and owning your own home so there’s no pressure to cohabit. They do not include follow-up messaging after sex because he felt the act itself said all it needed to.

“Commitment, to me, is of the patriarchy” 

If there’s one thing he abhors more than produce that is not seasonally and sustainably produced, it’s getting tied down. He thinks you’re very cool, but as a romantic must follow his heart. He wishes this wasn’t yet another situationship based around casual sex but yearns for an emotional connection. ‘I don’t want you to be disappointed.’ HOUSE!

Next story ›