subscribe
/ Sign Out

Celebrity's child resembles them, and five other astonishing Mail Online revelations

THE internet is infinite but that doesn’t stop the Mail Online being determined to completely fill it with utter bollocks. Like this:

Celebrity’s child resembles them

For a publication obsessed with matters of sex and gender, the Mail Online is remarkably dim about things like genetics. We won’t believe how much Reese Witherspoon’s daughter looks like her? It would be more surprising if she didn’t, but that won’t stop the Mail Online publishing 27 photos of the 23-year-old daughter wearing a bikini.

London is expensive

You won’t believe how much this tiny apartment in London costs. Unless, of course, you have a functioning brain and a basic grasp of the world. Like every other country in the world our capital city is more expensive to live in than the other parts, but it surprises the Mail Online on a weekly basis.

Weather happens

Is it snowing? Raining? Hot? Windy? Are people mildly inconvenienced because of it? Quick, send someone out to take pictures! And make sure each one features a person crying, looking angry or wearing a revealing outfit. Preferably all three.

Rich person enjoys cocaine

EXCLUSIVE! A high-profile person with more money than Belize spends some of it getting off their tits. Precisely nobody is surprised or bothered, but that doesn’t stop a censorious Mail Online columnist writing a scathing article about the scourge of drugs, before they nip to the loo for a quick line themselves.

Junk food has a lot of calories in it

Burgers aren’t very good for you? You shouldn’t drink five litres of Coke every day? Surviving entirely on Skittles isn’t a great idea? Who would have thought it? It’s another Mail Online health exclusive, and a great excuse to print unflattering pictures of chubby celebrities.

Millionaire is in good shape

Check out this picture of a middle-aged millionaire. Notice anything? That’s right, they’re in pretty good nick. They can afford the PR team to place this story in the newspapers, so of course they can also afford a personal trainer. Which you can’t, because you’re just a Mail Online-reading pleb.

Which zany London Marathon outfit are you desperately hoping will get you on telly?

YOU’LL never get on TV by actually winning the Marathon, so try getting the BBC’s attention with one of these wacky costumes instead:

Cartoon character

Dressing up in a heavy costume as Mickey Mouse, Peppa Pig or the poo emoji and running 26 miles will be a hot and horrible experience but you’re pretty much guaranteed a spot on the TV coverage for at least 1.7 seconds. Is it worth it? Depends how much the costume shop charges you for extra cleaning after you return it reeking of sweat.

London landmark

Play up to the thousands of people lining the route by dressing as Big Ben, a London bus or a red phone box. Tourists will love it and give you a big cheer as you pass, but serious runners already in a temper due to their chafed nipples will swear viciously as they attempt to avoid you lumbering clumsily all over the road.

Edgy charity costume

Running the marathon for charity is an admirable thing, but every f**ker’s doing that, so make yourself stand out with a costume that represents the good cause you support. This works especially well if you turn up dressed as a pair of bollocks or a boob in aid of cancer, as the bored camera person will single you out and give you plenty of airtime.

TV or film character

Fancy running for five hours dressed as Bagpuss, the Joker or a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? Now is your opportunity. Just make sure you’ve chosen an outfit that’s easy to get off, as having to complete the race after you’ve attempted a Paula Radcliffe-style toilet stop in a Mr Blobby costume won’t be much fun.

Running partner duo

It’ll be such a laugh doing this with a mate, you think, clambering into the four-legged camel costume and setting off. However, differing running speeds, limited visibility and someone stepping on your heels every three seconds will soon make you want to rip the costume off and punch them in the face. Which will definitely get you on TV.

Next story ›