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Admitting slavery was wrong, and five other breaches of GB News' standards

GB News has managed to alienate its core audience of nutjobs by breaching its bullshit broadcasting standards. Here’s the full list of behaviour that goes against the channel’s code of conduct.

Admitting slavery was wrong

Viewers boycotted GB News after one of its presenters took the knee in solidarity with the England football team, and rightly so. There’s no room for gestures of solidarity on a channel that’s doing its damndest to stir up a culture war. If you want to see that sort of lefty claptrap switch over to Channel 4 while it still exists.

Using well-designed graphics

If a polished graphic that didn’t try to look like the Union Jack crept onto the screen for a split second, then gammons would be forced to wash their eyes with soapy water. The GB News style guide clearly states that everything should have the simmering jingoistic malevolence of a WI bake sale.

Throwing over to a link seamlessly

Slick professionalism is an absolute no-no. Minutes of dead air while news readers awkwardly try to fill the time let viewers know they’re watching the real news, not lies pedalled by the ‘lamestream’ media. A smooth transition to a reporter in the field is why Andrew Neil took time off.

Reporting with impartiality

Despite being owned by a company called All Perspectives Ltd, GB News has a very narrow scope when it comes to reporting. Basically, any opinion further right of Richard Littlejohn is allowed generous airtime, and anyone who’s never said ‘it’s ‘elf ‘n’ safety gone mad’ is permanently barred from entering the studio.

Going a day without sneering ‘woke’

If a whole day goes by without Simon McCoy or Alastair Stewart sneering the w-word then the GB News message board gets flooded with furious phone calls from outraged oddballs. This misguided hatred is what they pay their licence fee for, after all.

'Hoots mon' and five other comments Scots love to hear from the English

NOTHING pleases a Scotsman more than an English person paying tribute to their proud culture by saying a Scottish phrase in a terrible accent. Tom Logan of Colchester explains:

‘Och aye the noo’

This is a very popular phrase in Scottishland and Scots say it to each other daily. Shouting it on the streets of Edinburgh while dancing a rough approximation of a Highland jig and swigging Irn Bru will restore their love for the union.

‘FREEDOM!’

Just left your house or got out of your car or a lift? Shout this to cause a ripple of heartwarming appreciation from any Scots nearby. You might also consider using it during a conversation on Scottish independence.

It’s a braw moonlicht nicht the nicht

A hilarious way of pointing out that the weather in Scotland makes it basically inhabitable. On the one evening a year Scots can spend outside because it’s not freezing, pissing down or both, Scots use its light to hunt down the wild Haggis and their offspring, Scotch eggs.

See you Jimmy

As we all know, Scots love to aggressively shout this at each other in tribute to their favourite comedian Russ Abbott – the ‘Big Yin’ – before having a fight. So why not join in?

’THERE’S BEEN A MURDAH!

Scottish people are reliably delighted to once again hear the line made famous by sweaty, old fashioned, no-nonsense detective Jim Taggart. And, given the prevalance of street violence and extreme alcoholism in our Highland cousins, there probably will have been a recent murder in their vicinity.

‘Hoots mon’

The most endearing time to use this widely used Scottish phrase is when expressing faux-amazement at modern technology that they don’t have in Scotland – such as electricity, bread or roofs on houses.

‘Donald where’s your trooosas’

If you shout this at old Jocko, you’ll have a tartan-clad friend for life as steadfast and loyal as the man on the shortbread tin. Ask him to say ‘Curly Wurly’, it’s f**king side-splitting.

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