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Your bullshit excuses for staying up until 3am for no f**king reason

ABSOLUTELY f**king knackered? That’s because you stayed up until the early hours indulging in these pointless activities instead of sleeping:

Scrolling social media

Just a quick scroll, you told yourself five hours ago. Now it’s well past bedtime all because you bounced from Twitter to Facebook to Instagram then back again in am endless loop in search of a dopamine hit. The light from your phone screen will f**k your circadian rhythm for days.

Watching YouTube

There’s only a few hours until you need to get up, so why are you wasting your precious sleeping time by watching some teenager you’ve never met rank the various Lord of the Rings characters? No, don’t spend even more energy by writing ‘Eowyn should be number one’ in the comments, just close your f**king eyes already.

Being too lazy to go to bed

You know you need to go to sleep. But that involves getting off the sofa, brushing your teeth, then getting into bed. That’s way too many steps, when instead you could carry on watching Family Guy on ITV2. You don’t even like Family Guy but that’s beside the point. It requires less effort so that’s what you’ll carry on doing.

Alcohol/drugs/bad sex

Delete as applicable. Good sex isn’t included here because a satisfying shag tires out everyone involved and sends them off to sleep easily. Your long-suffering partner is still hoping to experience this state of blissful slumber again one day. Them and their ex achieved it on the regular, no problem.

Worrying about not getting enough sleep

Shit, it’s 3am. And you need to be up in a few hours hours, ready to function like a regular human being. Try to get some sleep. What time is it now? Shit, it’s 4am, and you’re still wide awake. By the time 5am rolls around and you still haven’t drifted off, you might as well cut your losses, get up and prepare to spend the day feeling dreadful.

Totally f**ked up behaviour that's fine in the world of casual dating

SORT of seeing someone but sort of not? You can get away with these behaviours that would be otherwise unacceptable:

Ghosting

Had a decent enough time with someone but want to call things off? Simply never text them again, block their number, and blank them if you bump into them in the street. It’s easier than letting them down gently like a decent human being, and thanks to the low bar that’s been set nobody would be that surprised.

Technically cheating

There’s nothing wrong with sowing your oats so long as everyone is on the same page. But if you’ve been seeing the same person semi-regularly for weeks or months, you know deep down that you’re cheating if you’re shagging someone else on the side. After all, if you didn’t feel guilty about it you’d have no problem with telling them, right?

Lovebombing

By its nature, casual dating relies on forming a good impression quickly in order to impress other people. And whereas most people create grotesquely inaccurate dating app bios in order to turn heads, it’s also acceptable to charm the pants off someone until they f**k you. Then they’ll ask you to leave as they ejaculate.

Stringing people along

You haven’t heard from your crush for weeks, which you’re taking as a sign that they’ve got bored. Then they’ll text ‘thinking of u’ at midnight to reignite your interest, after which they’ll give it a fortnight before replying to your pathetic flurry of messages. If anyone else was this inconsistent with their communication you’d bin them.

Not committing to f**king anything

Everyone hates a flake, but thanks to the endless possibilities of potential partners who are only a few right-swipes away, nobody has the ability to commit to anyone. The result: a bunch of depressed, horny singletons drifting through the world in search of love while also wrestling with a fear of missing out. No wonder the birth rate is plummeting.

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