IT is fine for a woman to use cocaine as long as it has horrifically awful consequences and she repents like a medieval witch, the Daily Mail has decided.
The paper has recently developed a morbid fascination with articles about successful career women whose lives are ‘destroyed’ by cocaine, which serve as a warning to other women not to have fun.
Deputy editor Norman Steele said: “Obviously not all women are allowed to take cocaine. They must be young blonde PR babes or affluent middle-class MILFs called Olivia or Camilla. Working-class people are scum with nothing to lose.
“The woman’s story should start off with her ‘having it all’, even if it’s just some crappy PR job, then descend into increasingly distressing experiences: withdrawal symptoms, being sacked, one-night stands they feel cheap and dirty about. Women should always regret having sex.
“Ideally their cocaine experiences should be atypically extreme, such as overdosing, being admitted to a psychiatric ward or fellating a sleazy drug dealer. We must show people the truth about drugs with events that are unrecognisable to most drug users.
“Throughout the article the woman will express regret and shame. Then we’ll publish it with a stock photo of a stunning model doing coke in glamorous surroundings that suggests it’s an excellent lifestyle choice after all. That’s just good journalism.”
PR executive Charlotte Phelps said: “I wanted to get an article in the Mail about my occasional weekend cocaine use because they pay quite well, but all that happens to me is I feel really buzzy and talkative for a few hours then a bit shit the next day.
“So I changed it to needing 11 abortions, becoming a prostitute and bleeding from my eyeballs. You can read it. It’s the top story on Mail Online today.”
