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Woman's face collapses under the weight of her false eyelashes

A WOMAN’S face has suffered irreparable structural damage due to the insupportable weight of her false eyelashes.

Lauren Hewitt, aged 22, had plastered her face with thick layers of foundation to try and bolster the eyelashes but the entire of her face has now fallen in.

Dr Helen Archer, a consultant at A&E, said: “The foundation initially provided a structural counterbalance to the eyelashes, which were each two inches long and weighed 50g.

“That’s 49g more than eyelashes should weigh. But her chunky earrings, hair extensions and shitloads of dark-toned eyebrow gel only tipped things further. A thick layer of VolumeCare+ mascara was the final straw.

“She survived three hours but when she finally had to blink her face imploded under the pressure. We’ve managed to reconstruct it to some extent, but she’ll be looking out from behind scaffolding for the next six months.

“Let this be a warning to other young women. No matter how much you want to resemble a startled pony, wearing lashes thick enough to roll a bowling bowl down has consequences.”

An unrepentant Hewitt said: “Yeah, so the doctor’s just jealous? Of how gorgeous I look?”

Marlboro to launch biodegradable, combustible alternative to single-use vapes

THE environmental impact of disposable vapes may soon be eliminated by a completely biodegradable alternative launched by Marlboro. 

Their new products, a tube made of environmentally-friendly paper and filled with all-natural herbal restoratives, produces delicious smoke which is not bubblegum-scented so would not attract teen users.

A Marlboro spokesperson said: “Our new product doesn’t send lithium batteries to landfill. It vanishes as you inhale it, leaving nothing but a harmless stub behind.

“But it delivers that familiar nicotine hit you know and love with a harsh flavour young people could never become accustomed to. And while kids can vape in bathrooms, it’s much harder to conceal a small fire. They’d have to be outdoors behind some sort of shed.

“It’s created using tobacco, a ceremonial plant loved by Native Americans and those guys really respect nature. We haven’t named it yet but it’s similar to the cigars Hollywood A-listers enjoy, so perhaps cigarino?

“It’s also extremly cool when lit in a doorway in a rainstorm or on a match proffered by a seductive femme fatale. Would you shag someone who smells of Chewits? No. Would you shag someone so badass they’re holding a burning tube in their mouth? Yes.”

When questioned as to whether the filters on their new product were also biodegradable the spokesman refused to respond and challenged the interviewer to try one puff, unless they were scared.

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