subscribe
/ Sign Out

Woman wakes up to realisation she hates every item of clothing she owns

A WOMAN has sprung out of bed spontaneously filled with a primal disgust for every garment in her wardrobe and the compulsion to replace them. 

Eleanor Shaw, returning to work for the first time since Christmas Eve, opened her wardrobe and felt nothing but loathing, disgust and an overwhelming sense of anger at the hopelessly inadequate clothes, coats, and even shoes that confronted her.

She said: “And I’m expected to wear this shit? In 2025?

“That dress looks like a filthy potato sack soaked in a puddle on the hard shoulder of the M42 for months. I put it on and looked like a roadkill Womble. I tried the other one but it made me resemble my mother, which is far worse.

“Desperate, I pulled on trousers which morphed into shapeless slugs, hugging my hindquarters like a fresh coat of dung. Skirts looked like rags Les Misérables pulled out of the filthy Seine. The cardigan I got in November made me recoil.

“Just as I was piling hideous clothing on my bed in a sacrificial pyre, which I would light to heat my raw, unclothed form, the postman arrived with all the Vinted shit I ordered drunk at New Year.”

Vinted seller Nikki Hollis said: “Yeah, that happened to me last week. Luckily some desperate cow bought it all, but it’s little consolation as this morning I woke with shit hair.”

How to keep the passive-aggression alive in your marriage

AS a new year begins, it’s easy for couples to take each other for granted and neglect the incessant sniping that keeps loathing alive. Here’s how to get it back: 

Try new positions

Usually row about chores in the kitchen? Switching to sexual inadequacy while next to the worktops is new, and lets you save dark hints about unemptied bins for the car to ruin journeys in a whole new way. Or try to slip barbed comments under the watching eyes of relatives blissfully unaware. Adds to the sense of naughtiness.

Dirty talk

It’s easy to go through the motions of the same resentments about who scraped the car. Give your partner a saucy surprise by introducing some filthy new insinuations of of porn addiction and/or affairs with co-workers, all bracingly unfounded. Your other half is bound to be roused by the unfamiliarity. You won’t speak for a week!

Role playing

Why not suggest a role play exploring some fantasies? He could fantasise about a whole three months without her muttering about his drinking, and she could explore a dream marriage to a man able to sustain an erection who didn’t snog her best friend on New Year’s Eve, 2008. Sharing them will be so benignly hurtful.

Remember the unspoken enmities you nursed as newlyweds

Go to your honeymoon destination to recreate those heady days when the carping was still new. Malaga in drizzle will send you back to your youthful bickering, still seething about the cost of six bridesmaids or Smelly Olly’s best man’s speech. The pointed silences will have such a nostalgic air.

Visit IKEA

A passive-aggressive purgatory of Swedish names and tiny rooms, it’s the perfect place to drop sarcastic remarks about mislaid Allen keys and never-used magnetic spice racks. In many ways a trip to IKEA – obsessed with domesticity, boredom, arguing, and unable to escape – is symbolic of every marriage.

Bring in a third

If you’re feeling bold, perhaps invite a third into your home? A mother-in-law, partner’s unemployed friend or anyone who remembers NYE 2008 is the perfect way to make the atmosphere even more uncomfortable. Careful – bitching with them about your partner alone is considered infidelity by the rules of the throuple.

Next story ›