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Woman using mindfulness time to plot revenge

A WOMAN is getting the most out of her daily mindfulness session by planning how to fuck up people who have wronged her.

Office worker Nikki Hollis finds the daily 15-minute routine is ideal for focusing her mind on how to get even for real and imagined slights.

Hollis said: “This week I’ve been focusing on breathing down deeply into my chest and how to get my line manager fired.

“I reckon if I threaten an industrial tribunal for bullying her career is toast. That’ll teach the evil cow to keep hassling me for being late, and it’s all thanks to meditation.

“It’s not just work. After five minutes of quiet time I remembered my ex-boyfriend’s email password, so quite soon everyone will be getting copies of anything dickish he’s ever typed.

“I couldn’t have done that without my daily 15 minutes of rising above the pettiness of everyday life.”

Wellbeing guru Tom Booker said: “Mindfulness should not be used for negative purposes, such as realising you can key your ex-wife’s new husband’s car and the big twat can’t prove a thing.”

How are you being a twat in the supermarket?

WE all love going to the supermarket, but are you doing all you can to annoy other shoppers? Read our guide and find out.

Take a stupidly long time choosing mundane items

While obstructing other shoppers, take fucking ages to make up your mind, as if buying some milk is a decision on a par with abandoning your family to become a professional circus clown.

Show off your bad parenting

Other shoppers love wondering if they should call social services when someone’s screaming “JAYDEN! Stop being a BLOODY little BASTARD!” and looking as if they’re about to lamp a six-year-old boy with a tin of baked beans.

Show off your ridiculously middle-class parenting

Turn every purchase into a dreary educational talk, eg. “Where are the strawberries from, Luke? That’s right – Kenya! And which continent is that? It’s Africa! And what are continents on? Tectonic plates!”. Remember to speak loudly and poshly.

Be a voucher obsessive

Hoard every type of voucher, especially ones that offer pointlessly small discounts such as 10p off a bottle of gin. Then take a huge number with you and bring the till to a standstill as you try to redeem 50 Horlicks vouchers that expired in 2007.

If teenage, act like you’ve never been in a sodding shop before

If you are part of a group of teenagers, behave as though Asda is a thrilling adventure crammed with unbelievable surprises. For example: “Ohmigod, do people, like, actually BUY fish with their heads on??? Gross!”

At the till, send your child to get forgotten items

If you’ve forgotten kitchen towels, send your small child to get some. It will be a great confidence-building exercise and the long queue behind you is sure to find your child as adorable as you do!

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