CLIMBING a mountain? No? Then why are you wearing a pair of ludicrously expensive bouldering trousers and a jacket more suited to Everest? Here’s the best outdoor clothing to wear like a ponce.
Bouldering trousers
Have you worn your painfully expensive Swedish climbing trousers to the pub in the hope that someone will ask you about your fascinating hobby? Unfortunately they’re a sort of reddish salmon colour, so people just think you’re a posh twat called Jasper and go out of their way to avoid you.
Hiking boots
Even if it’s raining a bit and there’s a small hill involved, there’s really no reason to wear hiking boots to go to Tesco to buy an onion. You look like a dickhead, and what’s even more annoying is that it takes f**king ages to unlace them when you get back, which holds up everyone’s dinner.
Fjällräven mountaineering jacket
You aren’t scaling Annapurna I any time soon, which means the only reason you bought this is so people know you have £400 spare to spunk on a fancy jacket. Unfortunately we live in a relatively mild climate so you only get the opportunity to wear it three days of the year and even then you’re sweating like a pig.
Merino wool buff
Your poor little neck gets cold when you’re out doing the Park Run, so you need a buff to keep it warm and snug while also wicking away moisture. The downside is that Neil Oliver has ruined buffs for everyone, so you look like a washed-up conspiracy theorist on GB News rather than a sporty hunk.
Cycling cleats and lycra
Look, if you want to go cycling in a load of stupid gear, then go for it. But don’t stop for a break and clatter into a cafe wearing your cycling cleats, causing everyone to turn and be faced with the clear outline of your elastane-clad knackers and a disturbing little nub that must be your penis. Stay outside, people might be eating sausages.
Dry robe
A dry robe is half a jacket and half a towel, designed for people to get changed easily after they’ve been wild swimming or surfing. But, as with many good things, they’ve been adopted by twats and turned into a fashion statement. You look like a toddler wearing your mum’s coat. Stop it.
