subscribe
/ Sign Out

Thank f**k for that, says UK public at news a royal wedding was held in secret

THE UK public are relieved they did not have to rejoice or put up bunting because a posh, rich couple got married.

After Buckingham Palace confirmed that Princess Beatrice married Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi at a small private ceremony, Britons confirmed they were happy to know f**k all about it.

Charlotte Phelps said: “What with all the other shit going on this year, the last thing we needed was yet another sodding royal wedding.

“Even if, like me, you aren’t interested because you think the royal family are a bunch of spongers who do nothing but hoover up taxpayer’s money, their weddings are impossible to avoid.

“If it isn’t shops full of naff royal-themed tat, it’s sycophantic front pages speculating on what knickers the bride will be wearing, or the neighbours decorating their house with so many flags that it looks like a Union Jack was sick on it.

“Coronavirus and Prince Andrew are two of 2020’s worst points, but at least we can thank them for this.”

 

Five of the best vegetables to eat because you hate yourself

DO you enjoy being a martyr about eating vegetables? Here are five disgusting varieties to consume to satisfy your masochistic streak:

Brussels sprouts

There is a particular subset of smug vegetable eaters who like eating sprouts all year round and not just at Christmas. Hopefully these little fart spheres have got genuinely healthy nutritional value, because otherwise you’re just eating pure evil.

Cabbage

Cabbage is the devil’s lettuce, and even Satan doesn’t want to eat it because it’s so repugnant. The only people who will force themselves to consume cabbage and pretend to like it are fat-loss fanatics who boil it up into a vile soup, and they’re obviously sick in the head.

Broccoli

Broccoli is like someone looked at a tree and thought ‘How do I make this small and terrible?’ It’s impossible to cook as it only has two modes: rock solid and mush. Either way, it tastes like every single miserable roast dinner you ever had at your grandparents’ house.

Cauliflower

Cauliflower looks like a big, pus-filled spot, incongruously nestling inside big green leaves. Who thought it would be a good idea to dig that up and try boiling it? It is essentially broccoli with anemia, and it tastes like it too.

Squash

Whilst squash looks and tastes nice when cooked, the preparation of it is an uphill battle that feels a lot like trying to peel a bowling bowl. Is it worth lacerating all ten fingers to eat some sweet orange mush? Definitely not. Just stick to potatoes, like sane people.

Next story ›