PICKED up a nickname? Proud of it, even though it’s a glaring sign your life has taken a wrong turn somewhere? Any of these is a sign you need help:
‘Spreadsheet Steve’
You didn’t mind it at first. Everybody likes to have their skills recognised. But you soon came to resent the mockery of colleagues who can’t manage a simple vlookup and don’t want to learn. Unable to bond with anything which isn’t made up of rows and columns, you’ll die alone, leaving a superbly organised will on an Excel worksheet.
‘Mr Loverman’
A bit of fun when you were 16 and had two girls on the go. Now you’re 45 and shouts of ‘Shabba’ in the pub are an unwelcome reminder of your inability to form meaningful relationships. How can you explain to your mother sex with strangers is the only thing that makes you feel alive? You’ll die alone and none of your shags will attend your funeral.
‘Road Warrior’
It’s meant respectfully, from friends impressed you’re still running marathons at 50. They don’t realise your obsession is ruining your family’s lives because you’re never physically or emotionally present, always training, always pounding pavement. You’ll die alone but thanks to your obsession with lean protein and antioxidants, it’ll be at a ripe old age.
‘Smokey Joe’
Back in the indie sleaze 00s, smoking actual cigarettes wasn’t unusual enough to earn you a specific moniker. Today your elderflower cordial-sipping friends stare at you with a mixture of bemusement and pity as you step out for a fag. You’ll die smelly and alone, quite possibly within the next 15 years.
‘Barstool’
It would be nice if this referred to your sociable, chatty nature and excellent listening skills rather than the fact you spend every waking hour in the local boozer. It doesn’t, and you’ll die because you were unable to be alone and instead lived down the pub. Still, your wake will be well attended by other regulars, all surprised to learn your real name.
‘Quantum Ninja’
Everyone loved gaming as a kid. You didn’t stop. A childhood playing Goldeneye led to an adulthood battling Korean teenagers and weekends grinding for epic drops. Nobody’s impressed with your achievements even though getting the skulls on Halo Infinite is hard. Your physical self will die alone. Your gamertag will be trash-talked in the cloud forever.
